i am all alone... with nothing...

happy CNY

2009-01-26T23:51:00.002+08:00

happy CNY to any who still reads this blog...

Hmm quite a boring CNY i must say... luck is definitely not on my side this CNY... firstly, i lost while playing cards... then i tio rashes... =( my left arm... my poor left arm... still itching now... using a towel to apply pressure so it doesnt itch...

watched bride wars on fri with my deer... not a bad show... i wana watch inkheart next! haha... it seems like i am watching quite alot of movies these days... but i dun mind =p movies r a great way to destress and with good companion it is also very much enjoyable... haha

ok lazy to type... tata

blogging

2009-01-10T00:26:00.002+08:00

finally... blogging for a reason, or at least kind of haha... someone was complaining that i nvr mention him in my blog so yah... here it is. ello deer... happy?

anw i totally buang-ed my exams... oh well.. this sem shall buck up more...

ok... first week of sch was ok... pon a few lect here and there but nth much... managed to get astro as elective so i m at least abit happy... since the final exam is only 50 mcqs... thanks deer for telling me abt this elective! so happy now? =p

watched transporter 3 on new yr day with deer... missed the fireworks but i guess there aint much to see oso... 2008 was just plain chaotic after the fireworks... alot of people... but in the end there was actually time to watch the fireworks and catch the movie as the movie only started 20 minutes after the stipulated showing time which was 12 midnight... oh well.. at least it was a happy new year with some1... =p

went to send charleen off today... airport again... my 2nd time gg there in a month... though the first time was more of for leisure... oh well

abit lazy to type anymore... till next time...

2008-12-22T16:51:00.002+08:00

currently just feeling damn bored... so i shall update this old and rusty blog...
got a proposal to finish tdy actually, but i am just to lazy to do it...

I passed my driving! so happy! actually didnt expect to pass it on the first try... but well, i got a very bad 16 points so i guess i am quite lucky... went to waraku to eat with ron, char, sher, bx, yf, melissa after that... though it wasn't to celebrate me passing haha... that outing was planned more than a month ago... cos it was waraku ladies night! which meant 50% off for at least a table of 4 ladies! wah... with the exception of me and sher, the rest of them rrly went and 'tong sha' the food there... there were 7 of us but i think they ordered more than 12 items excluding the desserts. all i can say is wow! of cos the reason i didnt join in was my main course was damn huge and it included alot of cheese =(

had table tennis IHG last week.. eliminated already.. lost to hall 1 and hall 9... we totally don't deserve to lose to hall 1... was a combination of nerves and the fact that we all didn't play for quite awhile... skillwise, we were better than most of them... sad...

rotting in hall now... nothing to do... waiting for scrabble training tml... had to come back ytd for table tennis which is why i am now in hall... ok random typing now... shall go and rot again... sianz...

random post

2008-11-15T13:26:00.002+08:00

another random post...

how i wish i didnt blog for so long cos i was mugging... but the truth is i have been playing bridge, bridge and more bridge... arghh... bbo is like my parking lot. i am so dead... think i buanged so many exams already... haiz... why am i so slack...

think i got damn high last thurs... wonder why... guess i just don't want to face up to reality, that i am going to do horribly for my exams... just want to forget everything... i wish exams never happen... but it had already started... i am not cut out for uni i guess... so dumb... dumb...

as usual, i am still not mugging yet... using this blog to waste some time... just don't feel like looking at my notes... i will probably end up sleeping instead... haiz... so sad that my exams end on the last possible day in NTU, when everyone is out slacking, i will be busy hiding behind my books=( oh well... life sucks... except maybe it will suck worse if not cos of something... haiz...

i absolutely hate exams... i want it to end... and for one of the first times in my life, i don't want to get back my results... guess i will be so not used to not being a high flyer... haiz... and it is all my fault my fault...

maybe i m not tt sad life after all

2008-10-28T12:55:00.002+08:00

just died in a quiz today... thinking of how sad my life is... but i realised, most of it is my fault... i should have studied instead of playing the entire night yesterday... it is not like in jc, where only the a'levels count... every quiz counts here... guess i was hoping to get lucky... but what irked me was not that i didn't study much... but cos i was too tired and got all my calculations wrong... i mean, how dumb is that... since i knew how to do but was just careless...

though i guess i am still quite lucky... in the sense that this quiz was only 10 percent... but actually, every mark counts... i cant afford to fail any module... now really have to work hard for finals... but i guess i am still lucky in the sense that i got a scholarship... if not the burden of going to university would be very hard on my parents...just that i am not working hard enough now... but that is my fault... and i will rectify it soon... i promise to myself... i have to... i cant afford anything else...

can't believe how my life is unfolding now though... i am just too busy slacking... till i am behind time for a lot of things... but i promise... after today... i will be focused on my mugging... i have to... i can't afford to lose what i have now... cos although what i have is alot compared to most people from the third world countries, sometimes, money is still very important in life... and i don't want to give my parents additional load... i don't want... i must tough it out even if i can't... cos that is my only option...

i shall not be so stupid again... history will never repeat itself...

i must not let the past dictate my future... but let it be a lesson learnt instead

2008-10-21T17:36:00.002+08:00

wow... long time since i last blogged...

3 reasons why i should not stop blogging
-i can use it as an outlet to destress(though that would definitely not be on this blog =p)
-i can blog when i am bored
-it is quite interesting to type rubbish sometimes =p

arghh... my body clock is screwed up... slping at 4 plus and waking up at 12 is so irritating... i must change my body clock back to normal...

finally watched some movies... though it was quite i must say... long ago... but well at least i still watched some... eagle eye sucks though house bunny was not bad... haha... i would expect it to be the other way round if one had to suck but of cos i was hoping that neither would since i am paying for the movie... =p

met up with zy last last weekend... she is going taiwan!! omg... i want to go overseas... argh crap... school sucks... don't care... i will go overseas in dec... if not with cls then with og or cca... dun care... haha

screwed up some, ok alot of quizzes... dun wana buang any more quiz... i will mug... i must... poning lect is ok... if i mug... but all i do when i pon is slp, eat and play... arghh... i need to motivate myself... shoots....

heard some stuff the other day... not sure if it is true or not... oh well... it is none of my business anyway... haha.. just being very bored now...

ok shall go back to playing ridge... can't take it anymore...

tata

back someday...

2008-09-28T02:05:00.002+08:00

back someday...

a song that i used to, and still like... reminds me of all my friends who are leaving or already left...

makes me kinda want to leave singapore as well... maybe it is because i have never been further than malaysia... or maybe i am just sick of the rat race here... where you are not good enough unless you are the best... where you will always be compared to others, and what is good is always dependent on a scale that everyone is measured on... sometimes i just wish... wish for something exciting to happen... something that will turn my life around...

maybe i just want to be me... to lead a life without worries... but i know that well, i can't, i just cant...

cut my hair today... i wanted to dye it... but i was scared... scared of my parents objections, scared of how i would look like... guess i am not that daring after all... or maybe, i am just not used to change... so i really wonder, maybe not going overseas isn't that bad after all... i mean if i can't even get used to such a small change, maybe not changing is good after all...

But dreams don't come easy, you've got to believe me
You know this deep inside...

dreams is all i have...

something weird happened... or maybe not... maybe it was really just a joke... hopefully it is... cos if not... it is just weird... oh well... no idea why i am dwelling on it either... well.. maybe i am just feeling a bit more emo than usual because of all my undone work and the fact that one of my closer sec sch friend just left for cambridge today... i wish i could go overseas... i really wish...

random post

2008-09-24T12:54:00.002+08:00

recess week...

the meaning of recess is to have a break, to relax and chill... and that is what i am doing too much of lately... haven't done anything substantial during this recess week yet and it is already midweek. think i am so dead... i will mug... tonight...

going to yingqing's house later... probably one afternoon/evening gone... maybe half the night too considering how far hall is from her house... and i got so much undone... including cutting my very unsightly hair... arghh...

can't believe i slept at 4 plus am today and never did any work during the time spent awake... and it is not as if i had cca till 2 plus.. it was only until like 11 plus... arghh... msn plus bridge plus youtube is a waste of my time... and i was in some very weird convos yesterday... if i must say... not sure to classify it as weird, amusing or just plain... nvm...

seriously wishing it is jc right now... then maybe when i don't mug i will not feel so stressed. cos in uni i can't handle anything while i still can in jc... grrr... if not for tuition on sat, i may not even go home this weekend... i seriously need to mug... and tml night will be gone with kira HTHT... haiz... life sucks

oh well... so long before another rambling post...

random...

2008-09-08T20:44:00.002+08:00

stressed... tired... but having fun.

wow... uni life is really tiring... i can get back to hall at 4 plus in the morning on days that i have cca... and my slackness is also resulting in me not being able to complete my tutorials... cos once i am in front of the laptop, i would just end up playing for 3/4 of the time... but at least uni life has made me forget about many things of the past... things that i cant seem to get over before i went into uni... though it also seems like uni is making me forget alot of things... i can totally forget to reply my friend until like 24 hours later... now just on auto-pilot mode on somedays... AND I AM STILL STONING/SLEEPING IN LECTURES!! i must stop...

on a lighter note... or maybe not... i am asst chief programmer for my CBE camp... seriously i am not very sure how i got it since i thought i screwed up the interview... plus cca, quizzes, ocbc subcomm and me wanting to join hall subcomm, i really wonder... am i taking on too much? its already started to take its toll on me... every week go home and sleep... never mug at all... having a poorer memory than the past... and getting sick easily... sometimes i wish it was still like JC, where it is so slack... and where i don't have to study and i can still cope with the workload... but sometimes... maybe uni is better after all...

ok... on a really lighter note, my roomie(yes, yingqing) is hall queen! woot! haha she cried when she heard she won... cheers to her... and kudos to all the other people that i know at the pageant... all the hard work. =p hall king is my eye candy haha

have a new bridge partner... 3 in 3 years... a PRC guy... he is not bad at bridge... which is why we chose each other as partners... cos the rest of the freshies cant play... my friend was complaining that i pangseh him haha... but not my fault... i cant stand starting the learning process from scratch again... i will just die... really... it is damn boring to start anew... and at least i can communicate with my partner... quite a funny guy... haha and he is gonna teach me shanghainese!! whee... then i can shock my mum and my aunts... cos after all, my grandparents were from shanghai... and i know zero shanghainese... opps... and i am gonna teach him english... cos seriously... i suck at translating... joke... though most of us chinese is like cmi...

oh man... my self imposed slack time is up... gt quiz this week... better go mug and do my tutorials... so long... until i feel bored again..

nth to post

2008-08-20T13:27:00.002+08:00

wow... just realised that it has been a long time since i last blogged. don't think anyone read this blog anymore. haha...

just getting used to hall life... and starting to do tutorials at 1am. plus the mahjong sessions. haha. hall is really quite fun... though it seems like my more fun moments were with my union friends. opps. =p but it is quite tiring too...

thanks to all my friends who celebrated my birthday with me. especially the npcc foc group. cant believe we actually would still keep in touch considering the age gap haha. and the union people. haha it was a very loud and fun birthday celebration. plus the overnight mahjong(agn) haha. and yq and co... my roomie! haha thanks for meeting and eating and just having such a good time just talking. and lastly, my vj beloved 06S40 plus one. haha. though it was very belated, it was still very nice meeting up and talking to each other. one thing though, where are all the photos?! with the exception of union, i cant even find the rest of the photos... grr...

joined contract bridge in uni... think i have to get used to this sort of lifestyle... cos there is really not much time... and i can't believe i just spent the earlier part of today slacking... grr.. and seriously, tutorials suck... it is so darn bloody different from those in jc, where u can just stone in lect and still be able to do the work... now i cant even understand some parts of the lecture... and i seriously need to STOP sleeping in lectures... always so tired...

ok i shall mug already... so long...

nueve

2008-07-05T23:26:00.002+08:00

huchnom... not hushnom.

wah no idea camp was so tiring... i slept like at least half of my day away... now have no voice also... and i pity the guys man... have to carry girls, get stepped on and basically sacrificed themselves... so glad to be a girl... but it was quite fun la... fright night was well planned... though after a while you kind of get immune to the scares...

but uni camp is really different from all the other camps i been to. for example, activities usually only end at around 2... and we go to alot more places and did alot more stuff... for example pool games and we went to sentosa... i also realised that there are alot more games that will require a boy girl pairing and that the forfeits are usually involving one boy and one girl... for example, the girl holding the m&m using her mouth and the guy having to lick the m away... or seven wonders of the world where the girl and the guy have to do 7 poses with each other together... but it was definitely more fun than other jc or secondary school camps though it was also more physical sometimes... but the activites were more varied... we even went ice skating...

think i really quite shag now... can't really be bothered to type... after all we slept ard 10 to 11 hours during the entire camp only... think everyone knock out today... so long

still thinking

2008-06-19T22:48:00.002+08:00

random post... just feel like blogging... so full now that i can't sleep... ate so much.

i wonder. do everyone know what they want to be when they grow up? i remember wanting to be a pilot, a wrestler(lol), a superstar, a multimillionaire, and so on... i still want to be a millionaire... but i know that it wouldn't be easy... and for me, nearly impossible...

so... is it really a risk to take on the home affairs scholarship? or is it a form of security? after all, there are still so many things out there that are unknown to me, and it does mean a stable rice bowl, at least for 4 years... and considering that i don't know what i want now, is it really a risk? or a good decision?

haiz... really don't know what i want... do i want a reply from someone even after so long? oh well... i really don't know...

should i?

2008-06-18T22:38:00.002+08:00

should i accept the home affairs scholarship and go to CNB after i graduate?

it is basically a local scholarship, with a 4 year bond to CNB after i graduate, and the first 10 months will be training, though apparently it is very basic and if i pass napfa it shouldnt be a problem. the scholarship basically covers tuition fees, hostel fees, plus allowance and any school and mha approved overseas trip.

seriously, i don't know what is holding me back... i mean my family can definitely do with the scholarship... without it, i would have to take a tuition fee loan and be saddled with debts the moment i graduate... and i would definitely have to continue with giving tuition as it would be hard for my family to cope with the hostel fees and even the subsidized tuition fees... i mean my dad just started working... and the financial situation is not that great yet... think my parents still owe people money... including me (lol)... and it is in the range of thousands and my dad's pay is not that high...

my dad is being very nice about it. he told me if i didn't want to take up the scholarship, i could just take up the tuition fee loan and he will try and cope with the hostel fees and everything. i think a part of him is also afraid of the risk that i may be in when i become a narcotics officer... but i don't want to saddle my parents with the burden, and be saddled with debts myself the moment i graduate...

the pros of the scholarship is well, covering all my tuition and hostel fees, plus i can probably join some overseas summer program for exposure and experience, and i get a maintenance allowance so i probably can stop giving tuition if i feel like i can't cope and focus on my studies... and it would also mean less worries about what may happen if my dad contract is up and the employer does not renew it... and it also mean a stable job after i graduate, where the market could be bad and it would be hard to find a job.

the cons well... mainly it is the unknown... and the fact that i may not like being in CNB. also, i am afraid i would turn out to like engineering so much that i want to be a specialised engineer and someone actually offer me a job as an engineer...

seems like the cons are all assumptions, while the pros are all reality... and i guess i am just being irrational... but right now, i still don't have the guts to sign the provisional offer... even though the pros far outweigh the cons... something is still holding me back... and i have no idea what is it... or how to make it disappear... and i need to make a decision soon... oh well... so long... no mood to blog about other stuff... thinking

yawns

2008-06-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

a week or so had passed since i last blogged... falling into the rhythm of giving tuition, learning driving, going out sometimes and just slacking at home... becoming lazier too. going to exercise less and less often... last week only exercised twice... think i am too used to slacking already. oh well...

driving is not that hateful now... sometimes it is quite fun too... when the traffic conditions are good and i can drive without stopping and be at 4th gear and change lanes smoothly... if only this happen on my test day though i know it is impossible considering i had chosen a very bad timing... parking is quite bad though still... not much idea what i am doing yet... next lesson next friday... still dreading driving a bit... so kinda sad that i put it at the end of the week. rather get it over and done with... oh well... still got tuition this friday... wanted it to be tomorrow but the kids couldn't make it. i guess this is life... you don't always get what you wish for...

watched sex and the city on monday with tw... shopped with her nearly the entire day too... didn't know that shopping could be so tiring also... haha... bought a new pair of red sneakers... think now i am quite into red accessories... they are actually quite cool after all... haha.

sex and the city was ok... not awful and not wonderfully nice also... had my experience spoiled by some stupid woman... who scolded me for whispering and yet talked loudly herself... kept commenting on the behaviour of others... e.g. when other people laughed... i mean if she is so dumb to catch the humour of some parts... don't blame others for being able to... furthermore she grunted... omg... that is so... grr... irritating.

ate at shokudo for the first time last week... the food was ok... though i seriously don't get the sevice charge... i mean it was self service... so why the service charge? though the waffle with ice cream was cheap compared to gelare... even though the scoop of ice cream wasn't huge =( oh well...

actually can't really remember much about last week... it felt like it passed by very slowly last week... and yet it felt like a blur this week... hopefully time will pass faster... and i will get to uni faster... where it will be a new beginning... using this time now to forget... those sometimes when i go past places, memories just sprout up and i can't help but think about the past, and how some things can't change even though i wished it would... and that i still wish to go back to the past even though i know it will not be worth it... but i guess the heart and the head do say different things sometimes... guess i still have a long way to go before i can really forget, and have a new beginning... and i still have a lot of pondering to do... oh well...

this week

2008-06-01T00:19:00.002+08:00

Finally i am not working... And this feeling is a bit empty, but good in a way that i feel very slack... Though that emptiness makes me wonder sometimes...

Can't wait to go uni... I accepted NTU... hopefully its the right decision... felt sad giving up USP... But after talking to the prof at NUS, both me and yh decided not to go Science after all... even though we were both contemplating science quite seriously at first... haha. oh well... guess going to NUS last saturday really helped me made up my mind...

Had quite a busy week... sort of... went out with bf on tuesday to shop... then went out on wed with tw to watch Indiana Jones which was not bad... though a bit predictable... Then went out with yq and the rest in the morning to ECP where i learn how to roller blade... though not that well but at least i moved... and dance at night and after that went to watch movie with mursjid... Made of Honour was not bad... Though i seriously can't believe that Sex in the City was all booked out when he checked online in the afternoon... Took the last train and the last bus home... but it was a nice friday... haha. and no tuition in the weekend!!! yeah!!

woke up all achy and tired today... think cos of roller blading and dance and the fact that i was out the entire day yesterday... didn't even leave the house today... just spent the entire day palying my DS, sleeping and thinking... Thought quite alot today...

Was thinking about how life would change when i go into uni... and how every decision a person make can haunt a person forever... hoping not to think of some past decisions but i guess its hard not to when it is affecting one now... oh well... guess chan was right about probably having a secret blog... think i may create one as well... though i would still update this regularly... that blog (if i do get around to creating it), will only be for my innermost thoughts that i just want to say out...

oh well... still thinking... of the past, present and future...

after all... what you don't know can't hurt you...

blogging

2008-05-22T09:42:00.002+08:00

Had bridge competition on monday... Realised that vjc bridge didn't die after all. We have juniors! Though seriously, the jc2s juniors were hopeless in bridge... And me and yh actually gave them a top board due to us being overly ambitious by trying for slam and downing like mad. And they still got around 16 and 20 out of 22. Surprisingly, me and yh did ok... We thought we were going to get last la... Cos we kept blundering... Seems to us like we got tons of bottom boards... But we actually got 7 out of 22... Seriously not bad... Of course, nelson and naicheng got like 3rd. Totally expected considering that the last few times I played with nelson online, he made lots of brilliant bids and play... But still, 3rd in open? Omg...

Had tuition the past 2 days... Super sianned... though now it is better. Maybe i am getting used to it... Or maybe cos i brought along stuff to drink there, so when i get bored, i just take a mouthful of my drink, which made it seem so much better. Lol... Guess it is a matter of perspective... And maybe my perspective of tuition is changing abit... Though i was quite irritated with the girl and her not very subtle attempt of trying to get out of tuition next week... I also don't want to give tuition if I can, but i don't think her mum would let and anyway i also need the money... In the end, i spent so much time trying to find a free time for her next week that i left the house late and missed my bus... Furthermore, my driving instructor called me yesterday and told me that he can't make it for driving lesson at 4 today and had to change it to 5.30, which means i will have to miss my 7pm chinese show. Grr... I was damn irritated yesterday... IRRITATING!

MANCHESTER UNITED WON THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE! They beat Chelsea 6-5 on penalties after the match ended 1-1 after regulation and extra time. I bet most Man U fans must have thought all was lost when Ronaldo had his penalty saved. I mean who would expect Terry to totally slip? And Anelka for his penalty to be saved? But at least this was a good start to a quite horrible day. I don't like driving! Some of the times at least... Cos my instructor is so naggy... Arghhh... I want roads to be over and done with... Hate roads cos of some stupid road users. Sianned... Don't feel like driving... And yet i want to be able to drive...

Sianned... And i still don't really know whether to go to NTU or NUS... Really don't want to give up an opportunity like USP... And yet i think i probably will do chemical engineering cos its more practical... Haiz... And i need money... Oh well...

So long... Hopefully all will turn out well... Sianned...
What you don't know can't hurt you...

this week

2008-05-19T00:20:00.002+08:00

Had class outing today... met up with seow terence chris linus... poh last minute say can't make it.. pangseh! next time die die also must make him go. haha. chris looked strangely formal today... with all of us weraing jeans while he was wearing working attire.

went to eat at out of a pan at raffles city then went to gelare where chris treated us mostly to ice cream, waffles and cake. yummy! haha. quite funny to hear about the army tales and how seow may become a 'bangla' worker. apparently the sispec people got their posting already. though seow only knows he is an engineer. haha

super undecided on whether to go NUS or NTU still... thanks to USP... which i got in... oh and i met the CNB officer on friday... learnt a lot about the workings of CNB... which got the pros and cons i guess... haha.

watched what happens in vegas recently. quite funny sia... didnt expect it to be so entertaining. and i seriously cant remember what street kings was about... OMG!! is this an example of my brain deteriorating? hopefully not...

ok so long... tml got bridge competition... hopefully do ok. haha

personality quiz

2008-05-15T12:53:00.000+08:00

did a personality quiz in school and in class somemore today =p...

Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural lead, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

Think it is quite true of me... most of it at least... and yet there are some parts that don't seem so simple... i wonder... is one's personality so easily seen from jsut one quiz?

nothing to do...

2008-05-13T23:24:00.002+08:00

nothing to do...
actually there is something for me to do... study for my FTT... but i think either i am so not used to mugging already, or i am not too nervous about it yet... cos i am still not studying for it yet... opps... must mug tomorrow considering that my test is on thursday... but not today... now having a headache, and yet i cant sleep

it's been a long time coming,
now on this road,
now i know, what i've been looking for.
just like a lonely highway,
i've been trying to get home...

home is where the heart is... now i realised that going out don't mean much... unless there is a purpose for it... and the company matters too... guess my mind just became clearer somehow these few days

after all...
everybody wants to be loved,
every once in a while...
we all need someone to hold on to,
just like a helpless child...
and home is where our parents will give us their love... unconditionally...

everything is nothing when you throw is all away...
and you will only realise it when you lost something that everything has jsut became nothing

oh well... not making much sense now... just keep replaying a song over and over again... think its so nice... but i am just too lazy to change the lyrics of my blog...

oh well... it's been a long time coming...
down on this road...
and now i know what i've searching for...
oh... been a long long highway...
and, now i see...
oh lost in long time... oh been a long time...
lost in long time... coming...

half life

2008-05-06T22:33:00.002+08:00

heard some very nice songs recently... today finally found them online...
the song half life is so nice... as well as long time coming... and yet after hearing them, i found myself thinking again... wonder would i like them so much if i had heard them last year... maybe not... cos now i feel like i can relate to these songs... i mean they are very meaningful...

i realised that when we grow older, our tastes tend to change... i din't believe it when i was young but now...

talked/met/messaged some old friends these past week or so... realised i really missed jc life alot... and talking to them just brought all those memories back... sometimes a group of friends are just not enough... sorry yq and all... just that you guys were not so integral in my past 2 years i guess... and i like my jc life alot... of course, one of the most important person that i wanted to keep in touch from my jc life still never replies to anything... oh well... i wish he would tell me where i went wrong at least... so that i would not commit them again in the future... if i was wrong at all... want to make amends...

went for bridge competition with yh on labour day... didn't blunder that much, and i think we improved bidding and skills wise... but we didn't improve in our rankings... but it is not our fault... our opponents are just good... they bid the games that was supposed to be games but not much other people can see it... now just have to learn to bid slams better... i underbid a slam... should have been a grand slam... not a small slam =(

had intensive tuition giving these few days... damn tired always... and yet i don't feel like sleeping... cos the weather is just so hot... and i have to wake up so early... think my brain abit screwed already... last week had some days running on caffeine alone... think i nearly went into caffeine overdose... i can feel my heart beating damn fast...

watched iron man with tw on sunday... nice... i wished could have watched harold and kumar with sherhan on sat... but very late... and i very tired... and the seats were individual seats...

got accepted into nus science and ntu chem engineering... i am still abit undecided on where i want to go... 2 different courses... chemical engineering would be more practical, as singapore is facing a shortage of engineers and engineers can do alot of jobs... and i have friends at ntu... but science or mathematics is what i love... and i want to try a double major of chemistry and mathematics... though i guess i have to get in first which is hard... furthermore, it seems like nus has more life... though i know a lot of my ntu friends would say otherwise... and nus hostel is not guaranteed for first years, unlike ntu... but for nus at least i may have a very tiny chance... though i don't think so... of getting into USP... which means i will learn more... but then... i don't know either... and i really want to try mathematics... though i can take mathematics as a minor in ntu... don't know la... got conflicted views from friends also...

oh well... just have to start thinking more... hopefully won't regret my decision no matter what is it...
though deep down i think i would choose ntu...

thinking...

hurt

2008-04-29T23:19:00.002+08:00

today went to queue for free ben and jerry's ice cream... will not do it again... went only for the experience.

so tired... yet i don't feel like sleeping... tomorrow still got tuition... yawns...

read something quite meaningful today...

crying is not a sign of weakness... but rather just that you are hurting...

so true... and yet, it is always so hard for people to understand that until you have experienced it yourself...

though nowadays i don't cry much... can't feel anything... except worries... about everything... sianned most of the time... and i usually fall asleep once i hit the bed... though it is not a very nice sleep sometimes... will wake up in the middle of the night most nights... oh well

thursday will be bridge day. yeah. finally no school and no students... hate going to OLN. so sianned... and my breaks are always so pathetic... yq always lucked out. oh well... life is never fair... and yq does work so i won't complain...

can't help but wait... in more ways than one...

but only one person will know what i am waiting for...

thanks

2008-04-24T08:00:00.002+08:00

i knew it would not happen...
but thanks for trying anyway...

can't help but wait...

reason

2008-04-21T22:36:00.002+08:00

reason.

i realised that i do everything with a reason.
no matter how trivial the reason is, there is always a reason.

however, no one know why i do certain things...
no one.
i don't lie.
but maybe i don't exactly speak the entire truth also.
i guess it is always half truths...
but i guess it is better than nothing.

i guess i am just scared.
after all, my worst fear is fear.
fear of falling...
fear of failing...
fear of losing...
i am just scared of so many things...
i have too much to lose, or maybe too little.
it depends on how you look at it.
it is just fear i guess...
maybe that's why i am so competitive...
to hide my true self.

Pride.
Sloth.
Lust.
Envy.
Greed.
Wrath.
Gluttony.

I have them all.
and i am afraid... of being worse than who i am now.
i am good at hiding things...
being who i am not.
because of fear...

having a reason to do something may not mean anything.
but at least i have a reason...
and it makes me feel better.
even though the reason may not be rational sometimes...
i just want to be good.
that's all...

i found a reason to live... a reason to start over new...

the past

2008-04-20T22:40:00.002+08:00

maybe i just can't forget the past... not yet...

i am good at keeping everyone out... and the first person that i let into my innermost me partially is not talking to me anymore... now i am determined not to ever let anyone in unless i am very sure about them... and so far... i can't think of anyone that would understand yet...

read a very insightful book today... even though it was only a teenage fiction book... but i understood how the characters in the story felt... cried as i was reading the book... sometimes it is just to hard for me to keep everything inside... and yet i don't think i can speak of what i truly feel to anyone soon... at least the house was empty... as it always is on sundays...

the past is what constitutes a person... and yet the past may also be the one thing that holds a person back...

driving

2008-04-19T23:18:00.002+08:00

woohoo. had my first driving lesson yesterday. drove for nearly 2 hours straight... fun. but super nerve wrecking... i was super scared i would get into an accident. which i didnt of course... but still... haha. quite nice... know how to change gear and can do U turns already... drove on the road. with traffic. my worse was not using the clutch or changing gears or even turning... it was actually trying to brake the car without jerking (which i still can't do, tend to stop the car too suddenly), or trying to start the car without stalling, as i always forgot to release the clutch sufficiently... but i went to fourth gear yesterday already... not bad for a first lesson i suppose...

felt super achy today... think i was too tense yesterday... never felt achy even after going gym or exercising... think yesterday my muscles were tensed up for around 2 hours... must learn to be less tense... if not next lesson after effects like this very cham... haha. never go jog today... cant move without aching... must exercise tomorrow... improve on my timing, which is seriously damn lousy... oh well... next lesson next saturday. cant wait for it... i am going to drive! one way or another... soon!

felt super slack today... went to read my SAT chem book... think i really miss studying quite alot... can't believe i would voluntarily read a chemistry book. omg... i guess i am really too bored liao. must change... must get busy soon... some army guys even have homework la... and i don't... seriously i am damn slack. can't wait to go uni...

oh xingji coming to singapore next week... haha think i should probably plan an outing again... haha. but damn lazy to... but its nice to meet and catch up with everyone, even if its only 2 weeks since we last met... oh man... think i really like VJ alot.

now super sianned... waiting for man u match to start... going coffeeshop to watch... until 2... sianned... and tomorrow got tuition... really feel like raising the tuition fee... cos the pay suck... and very very sian also... i wished i got some high ability kids to teach... they are so much easier to teach. at least they understand what you say...

i really miss talking rubbish to friends who actually understand what i am talking about... those kids just don't get it... and i don't really bother to try also... our idea of fun and entertainment is so totally different... maybe years ago i am like them... but i am not now i think... get irritated by their nonsense sometimes too... and no offense but also cant really talk rubbish to yq... i mean she is not that type that u would talk rubbish to... oh well... at least i still got her company at work. only saving grace sometimes... thanks yq. i mean it... even though i don't show it sometimes

think i better get ready to go coffeeshop... scared no space... still have to walk 10 minutes to get there. yawns...

nostalgia

2008-04-17T23:05:00.002+08:00

nostalgia...

went to toa payoh library third floor today... felt so unfamiliar there... a place that used to be so familiar in the past especially during my sec 4 time just felt so weird now. it felt like i was trepassing when i stepped onto the thrid floor today. like i didnt belong there at all... guess the people there changed... and even the atmosphere and the layout changed... guess i am really old now. don't belong to the teenage section anymore. lol

guess this feeling of unfamiliarity is affecting me somewhat... feeling sianned by a lot of things now... i guess i am just not used to having so much free time, i mean in vj i always don't go home until like 9, cos of cca commitment and what not... but now besides tuition which is totally boring as well, i usually will have nothing on... and school is so boring and irritating sometimes (actually most of the times, especially when the kids don't know when to shut up), unlike vj, which has a study hard play hard atmosphere, and where the people there actually understand what the heck i am talking about... now feeling more and more stupid, think i can't even do simple differentiation now... sucks...

i wish time will pass sooner now... i can't wait to go to uni, meet new people and start all over again... and though i may sound like a nerd, but i really miss studying, and learning new stuff... and i miss having a hectic lifestyle, where i am beat everytime i reach home late at night... hopefully i can get what i want... i wish june would hurry and come, where i would leave school altogether...

alot of students ask whether i am envious of yq having so many kids attention. well, i am not... in fact i would be damn irritated if the kids follow me everywhere and hug me wherever i go... i mean what happened to privacy man... i want my peace... and if it means having the kids not liking me so much, i am fine with that too... i just don't want to be disturbed unneccessarily...

on a super random note, my 2.4 improved! now i can do under 15 minutes le... PB is 14 min 35 seconds... although i know it is still very slow, but considering that at the start of february i was doing 17 minutes plus, this is an improvement already... and i am happy! though i am trying to maintain and bring it down to below 14min 20 seconds... i just want to be fit.

oh and i am probably going to take dance lessons with yq, char and zann soon i hope. yipee!! trying out new things... even though it probably mean more money to be spent, but i guess this long break is for people like me to try new things, and maybe figure out about myself and the direction that i want to take in my life... cos i still have no idea what i want to be yet... seriously... and i am starting driving tomorrow... woohoo!! no more make believe cars in the arcade... i am going to be behind a real wheel man! but my money... jsut hope i can make my pay stretch with all these lessons and going out and shopping and food... cos my parents ain't giving me any...

oh well, at least the atmosphere in my house has lightened up considerably... after my dad had gotten a job... feeling less stressed now also... and i hope it also translates to me feeling less emo soon... cos sometimes i still will just think... of the past and how everything has changed so much within the past few months... and hope i wish it didn't... i guess that's why i want uni so much... new people, new experiences, deleting all the bad memories and experiences away...

i just want to forget...

sometimes miracles don't happen... no matter how much you want it to or worked hard for it or believed in it...

but life is unpredictable...

memories

2008-04-14T12:21:00.002+08:00

memories.

heard a song late yesterday night that brought back many memories. nice memories... and yet i would rather not relive them, cos it would just remind me of what i have lost, and how i am unable to get it back... something that i want... i guess memories are meant to serve as lessons too... telling me what to do and what not to do. guess that's fate... that i am unable to get what i wish... oh well... no wonder people always say you are alone with your memories... oh well...

on a side note... man u won arsenal 2-1... whee... super nerve wrecking. and i saw some of my classmates yesterday... they didnt change much though. haha

just blogging

2008-04-09T08:57:00.002+08:00

realised i have been blogging quite a lot these past few days...
cos i have nothing to do. or at least even if i have, i do not want to do them...

looking back, i think i was really too emo the past few weeks...
and i must really say thanks to all those who asked about me...

guess i was just unused to rejection... i mean i used to succeed in nearly everything i put my mind to, but recently just kept failing and failing in everything i do, and that feeling i guess takes some time to get used to. i guess i am too pampered... being an only child, and yet sometimes i don't feel that way... but the love and care that i received from my parents are definitely alot, even though sometimes i say that they don't love me, but... i know that is not true.

realised that sometimes i spend my days in a daze... go to work, go home, eat and sleep. wonder if that is good or bad... think its average... lol...

just hoping that now i don't go back to my very emo mood. don't think so... cos usually after a low moment one usually feel high. but yet these past weeks not feeling normal too... so maybe my mood swings won't follow the norm too... really hope it will though.

still eating alot these past weeks... no idea how to stop eating so much... guess have to wait until my mood returns to normal... or until i have so much to do that eating becomes a necessity and not a leisure... oh well, just have to hope that i become normal soon...

in school now... school sports day... and i am spending nearly half of it on the computer... nothing to do... nothing to play... nothing to watch... cos it is a sports carnival... but... think now got something to do already... finally i guess

i wished i had a sibling

2008-04-04T07:46:00.002+08:00

i wished i had a sibling...

just realised that i am most probably not feeling bored but more of feeling empty... empty because i got nothing to do... empty cos i miss my friends... empty cos of everything...

i mean it is definitely different nowadays... from last year to this year especially. like i don't even really keep in touch with some friends whom i used to be very close to anymore. and those that i keep in touch with... well it is different too... like i don't see them much, except for one, and that was because i work with her. but i don't confide in her some stuff, unlike how i would in the past 2 years to someone... someone that i lost... and missed... i missed him cos he was a good friend to me, and he was one of the few people who i told a lot of stuff to... i mean even amanda don't know some stuff that he does... and usually, he was just there. i mean we are not in the same class or anything, but yet, it feels as if we kept in contact quite a lot during and after school. i guess i miss having someone to talk to... and i felt used. cos we broke off all contact after a's... seems to me like he was just using me to do better in his studies. i mean i talked to his classmates more that i did to him this year... and that coupled with the fact that most of my classmates are in army, probably made me felt more empty than ever. maybe i should really get a 9 to 5 job... cos i really hate teaching alot. period

going to lose another good friend to army soon. my soccer buddy. but at least i know that this friend is really a friend... like even so long after a's, we still got watch soccer together... but i guess in some sense, the feeling is different. maybe because i didn't tell him alot of stuff that would have made me felt better... i don't know. now i guess soccer is going to be less fun, with only my dad to watch with.

really wonder if friendships do last... i feel as if i am drifting apart from everyone... oh man... i definitely don't know... i hope so... and yet, i am not that hopeful...

didn't sleep well last night... can't sleep. slept at 3 plus in the end... very very sleepy now... and i just gotten some bad news in the morning... had to give relief lessons in the afternoon. which seriously sucks cos my timetable already suck so bad... i am in a bad mood right now... very very bad mood... the students better not mess with me... because i don't care who i hurt, i really don't... and i mean it.

i am maturing i guess

2008-04-02T10:12:00.002+08:00

saw some tags that ron left on my tagboard yesterday... and realised that i probably did get more emo during the past 2 years... i mean in secondary school, though i wasn't that happy at st nicks, i was probably more happy go lucky than now... maybe getting more emo is also a sign that i am maturing... and yet if that is so, maybe maturing is not such a good thing after all... since i would rather be happy... right now i am always feeling nothing? or else i will just be feeling sianz... and don't feel like doing anything... i would give a lot to feel some happiness, or at least excitement... it seems that nothing exciting is happening in my life now... and even though i have been going out, it just seems so mechanical sometimes... as i am just trying to have fun but my definition of fun may also be different from some friends of mine...

but actually, what is fun? i have no idea what is fun to me now... i mean i used to be happy playing arcade, and yet now, i feel nothing when i go to the arcade... or maybe it wasn't arcade that was fun in the first place, but the friends that i was with... but i am not that close to some of them also... so why did i find arcade so fun in the first place? maybe i am really maturing, and seeing things differently now... i wonder if that's a good or bad thing, at first it seems quite good, as i am more serious now, but yet i am not happy, so how can it be good... or maybe this is just a phase that i have to go through... maybe it is because i feel so empty right now... i mean besides work, there is nothing else for me to do... unlike in the past, when i am really bored, i can just go and study...

been doing loads of thinking last night, when i couldn't sleep... just realised that we are all very dependent on friends too... i mean family will always be first in my heart, and yet, there are some times that i can just blow off my family to spend time with my friends... i think friends are also a necessity in life... we probably can't do without at least a few friends...

think i really missed my friends... and that may be what that is causing me to feel this way... i don't know... i mean yeah i still keep in contact with some friends... but i guess it is just different. furthermore, it seems like i lost one of my closest friend for the past year... and this left something like an empty void in me... cos that person know a lot about me, and was one of my confidante... the worst was i guess not knowing what i did wrong for the friendship to become like this... i mean i just wish i could talk to the person once and for all at least, find out why... make myself at peace at least... furthermore, one of my good friends just went back into ocs... i am happy for him... but this also mean one person less to talk to...

now i just want to have peace... peace with my heart, as well as everything... i mean in school i barely have a moment of peace, except when during breaks, and i plug in my music and listen to songs... still on the emo playlist... but those are the songs that can calm me down... and make me think... i guess thinking is good... at least i don't feel so empty... or not... listening to a very nice song for the past hour or so... trying to find the download... but can't find it... it is a very nice song... about love... and how this girl would love this person no matter what... reminds me of the book a walk to remember... i teared while reading the book... cos to find such undying love is so rare... or even to find a good friend that will be with you forever...

i know i am actually very lucky compared to a lot of people... for example those in africa dying of hunger... but sometimes i just wish for more... am i very selfish... i wish i had more... and i wish i was happier... and i wish to be able to do anything that i want... i mean yah, i am getting an education, and have a job currently... but that's not what i want... i want to explore the world, but that is impossible for me at least for the next 10 years... oh well...

time's up... back to work... till next time i guess

haiz... just when i thought things couldn't get any worse

2008-04-01T12:51:00.002+08:00

just when i thought things couldn't get any worse... it did...

lost my atm card... luckily no money was lost... but still, it just so sianz... like everything is going downhill for me, and there is nothing i can do about it... but i know i can... i must... and i will... i hope...

but seriously, all those things about following your own heart and doing what you desire and seeing the world, is a load of crap... because for me, that is just not possible... i want to follow my own heart, and do whatever i want, but lets just say that i can't because of alot of reasons, one of which is responsibilities... so yah...

was hearing a very nice song... but quite emo... think i shloud stop hearing emo songs... only make myself feel more sianz... but slow songs are nice... oh man... think i must find a way to cheer up... and soon. cos frankly, this feeling sucks... alot...

just

2008-03-30T00:11:00.002+08:00

you know, when people are feeling sianz or nothing to do or maybe just emo, they either eat alot or don't feel like eating... well i guess i belong to the second category... i eat a lot... and i am quite unhealthy recently... never go exercise much liao... think tomorrow i will go for a jog in the afternoon or something... nothing to do anyway... or not really nothing to do... but more of nothing excites me anymore... i have no idea why i feel this way... i mean this week was quite full of activities for me... and yet, i just didn't feel much except sianness... and just want something out of the world to happen... or maybe just rot... haiz... no idea why i am feeling like that though...
this week scolded a girl from one of my classes till she cried... strangely i didn't feel guilty, as i always would... in fact, a small part of me wanted her to cry, cos crying would mean that she admit that she is in the wrong... am i very bad... i don't know... guess i was just feeling nothing at that moment...
now i am abit pissed with i don't know, everything? i mean everyone just seem so happy with their lives now and nothing seems to be working out for me... or maybe i am just emo-ing... i feel like just crap... to be honest... and i totally miss jc life, where it was so fun, happy and full of activities...
went back to st nicks today... didn't feel much... just felt abit neutral... though i was abit sianz at the end... the fun fair was i guess overly priced, except for some clothes that i got there which was seriously a bargain... and even though i went retail therapy on mon with choy and wed with zy, didn't really felt like therapy... just felt so empty... and devoid of feelings... guess i just have to hope that this feeling tides over soon... cos it seriously sucks... or maybe cos i wish everything was one year back, where i was happy and talking, where someone know how i feel about alot of things... just don't feel good now... and rejection sucks... and it seems like crappy things are happening to me... for example home team? haiz...
i guess there are just times when everything seems to be going wrong... and there is nothing that you can do about it...

pictures

2008-03-25T10:20:00.006+08:00

06S40 in Malaysia at xingji's house!

SDD'07 group photo... minus seow... who sat with SC...

Pre-chris house... smuggling our class photo from swissotel... =p

Me at SDD'07

Sending frit off at the airport... where her flight was postponed cos she checked in too late... oh typical fritz =p

Just realised that my blog has very few photos... thats why the sudden addition... lol... and also cos i just got the photos from chris cos terence lost my first cd... still got some photos missing... =(

emo-ing agn

2008-03-24T23:31:00.005+08:00

rejected... by A*STAR... guess i am just not good enough... and though i am not that keen on the scholarship, i still feel sad... don't know... guess it is the knowing that one is not good enough... seems like there is nothing much in life to be happy about... i mean i didn't do that well for A's, at least not as well as i want to... but guess there is also nothing much i can do about it now... except probably not to repeat the same mistakes i made in jc while in university... oh well... a picture of me and my class and mr ang during A'levels results day... where i seem happy...

went retail therapy with pok yesterday... though i only bought a belt for myself... oh well... don't want to spend so much also... been spending alot during the march hols... first time i took marking back home... feel so sianned all of a sudden... guess i am going to go into emo mood... though i was very high after man u beat liverpool at home 3-0. woohoo... but chelsea won too... i would prefer a draw actually, so that chelsea would not be so close to man u. oh well...

i guess one can't get whatever one wants in life everytime...

though it seems like it happens to me alot...

emo...

2008-03-19T23:31:00.002+08:00

I miss VJ. I really do... I never missed schooling so much... Not even after st. nicks... I guess VJ really grows on a person... I have grown to love VJ so much that i want to go back to VJ nearly everyday... It never happened for me for st. nicks. In fact i never gone back to st. nicks after collecting my o'levels. I guess the atmosphere at VJ is just so nice and fun... and I miss some of the people there too... oh well... I miss going for lectures, believe it or not, and i just miss oh well, everything... I mean although i am working in a school now, it is just so different... I mean i cant be like carefree... I have to behave with the decorum of a teacher, and that sucks...
My parents also keep scolding me... Sometimes it seems that i have lesser freedom now than in the past, when i could do so much more with my time...
Now i am an insomniac too i guess... cant sleep at night... haiz... or maybe i am just feeling emo... oh well... life sux...

nothing to do...

2008-03-17T10:53:00.002+08:00

seems like ages since i last blogged...
a'levels results came out about a week ago... apparently i did ok... but to me it just seems so bad... i dunno... i got aaacc... C for my ki and bio... i mean i probably deserve the C in KI, but after knowing what some ppl got for ki, the C just look so awful and sucky...
been feeling quite emo these few days... dunno why... wana do so much and yet don't wana anything at the same time... no idea why...
i watched step up 2... and some other movie... but it seems that step up 2 was the only nice movie that i watched so far... at least the music is nice... and the dance too... but damn sian la, after watching... i mean all these things about chasing your dreams and stuff... it just wun apply to me... not at all... i mean i dunno... life just seem so hopeless and sian now... i am like doing what i am doing cos it is expected of me... not because i want to... sucks la... everything sucks...
saw some frens of mine at the open houses... damn sian after that... it just seems like everyone was so happy while i was just stoning and stoning... and pretending to be happy... somemore saw one of my so called good frens... who like totally spoke like 2 words to me... oh wow... good frens... i am sure la... i spoke like so much more to my other frens lor... feel abit used... oh well...
i guess i am just feeling emo these few days... most prob ba... oh well... nvm... till next time...
as long as i am living, i'll be waiting

bored

2008-02-28T22:57:00.002+08:00

bored... stupid p.s. i love you was sold out... irritating... in the end went to eat... alot... arghh... i m getting fatter and fatter... no!!!
still very bored... got some good news, or sort of anyway, it depends alot on the outcome whether it is good news or not... got shortlisted by A*STAR... now very scared... like totally scared... think i am so dead... oh well... next thurs is doomsday... i wish myself luck...
work is getting more and more horrible... workload increased but pay didnt... today just marked maths for like 2 hours in school... and it was frantic marking, not leisurely marking... *sobs*=(
oh seow, aka the classmate who absolutely hates running, got silver for ippt... *gasps* haha i think i am so mean =p i want lose weight!!! seow how did u do it? haha...
ok now getting more bored and tired... but too full to sleep... stupid la... shouldnt have ate so much... now so full and fat... =( oh well... till next time...

weird day

2008-02-25T10:50:00.002+08:00

blogging in school now... late for work... nearly... taught PE today... omg, the girls in primary 2 are so xiaojie... kept complaining that it is hot. haha...
something weird happened last week... will not say when... lol... no idea how it happened, really no idea... just that it just happened... i guess it was impossible to stop at that moment... cos no one expected it... but it was weird after it happened and the thinking starts... seriously... not going to comment anymore... just that it will definitely not happen again... and though it was nice while it lasted, but i guess i definitely regretted it... it was just on impulse i guess... ok enough said... lol... i guess we were just confused... or something...
watched the L spinoff yesterday... it was not bad... but abit disappointing compared to the death notes series i think... haha i don't know...
chelsea lost the carling cup! yipee!!! haha in extra time!!! somemore they scored first... final score 2-1 to spurs...
-I was confused but now my mind is clear-
enough said...

CNY

2008-02-06T22:58:00.000+08:00

eve of chinese new year. i want my ang paos!! haha.

the nicest thing about chinese new year is ang paos! and the loads of good food!! though i feel so guilty eating so much. but the reunion dinner was so nice! i cant help but eat second helpings!! got prawn, meat, fish, chicken, duck, char siew, soup, vegetables!!! and i can eat all of them without feeling the pinch! but think i am getting sore throat soon... sad... oh well... i am determined to enjoy as much as i can! no waking up early or having to deal with a bunch of noisy kids. haha

omg! yesterday saw this uber shuai guy at orchard (ok he is not that shuai), but who cares, he gt a flashy sports car and he is not bad looking... too bad he got girlfriend le... i wish i could be him! cool man. i love the car! and he is so young somemore... if only i was that young and that rich... haha. oh well. lazy to type now... so long

approaching chinese new year

2008-01-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

approaching chinese new year...
realised i didnt really blog for quite a while... even though i am like very free nowadays, since i only work half day... but no mood i guess...
a new year... sort of... and after the new year, i guess it is really time for a new beginning...
i guess i shall just reflect on my past year... just to wrap things up... or something...
i guess last year was quite a fun, though tiring year... with mugging for a'levels and cca... and some other stuff i guess... looking back, i guess i wish i had done some things differently, like focusing more on my studies and my independent study, and going out less often, as i always go home super shag and tired and end up sleeping and not mugging... i guess i will know whether i will end up regretting not revising more when the a'levels results are out... i just hope i don't do very badly, just hope to get into at least NUS... if not it is very shameful i guess... and even though i felt quite upset in the past over some stuff, i did not regret going out with someone often as compared to going out with other friends as i felt happy during those times... i mean i did regret going out alot but if i had to go out, i don't regret going out with someone at all, even though i guess that somewhat led to me being emo for quite awhile during the back half of last year... i mean it was a lesson learnt, and i did grow up from it... and became more mature...
i guess in some sense last year was not a bad year, despite all the heartache that i felt... i made new friends and learnt alot of things... and even though i wish i had focused more on my studies, at least i know i did learn something, both inside and outside of the classroom, which is good. i mean i did learn some life lessons also... but... although if you had asked me what was the one thing that i would undo, i would answer not getting close to someone right from the beginning, from jc1, because then there would not be a start, and i would probably focus more on my studies. i mean i agree with my classmates that getting close to someone was the biggest mistake i made in my jc life (besides taking KI i think), but since i already got close to the person, i don't regret spending alot of time with that person, simply because i felt happy during those times... even though the heartache was hard to get over... and the emotional turbulence that i felt in the past which was... but i think i am fine now... so it shall be a lesson learnt.
i like vj... really... i mean it... i miss vj... alot... i miss the people there and the atmosphere especially... furthermore i think i like a challenge... and the work at vj offers challenges... which was fun... i mean teaching primary school now... i feel more and more stupid everyday... even though apparently being in school is better than not being in school... i guess i just like vj alot... i mean the atmosphere and people there are really great... so yah... for like every bad moment that i had there, i guess there were at least around 10 good moments that i had... which was great and nice... i guess that is probably also why i like vj so much... i mean compared to st nicks... i feel no emotional attachment to st nicks... not at all... i guess it is the atmosphere... and maybe everything also... i mean st nicks was probably only my good friends that made me go to school... and the fact that i had o'levels... i would pon if i could in st nicks... but for vj, i would not want to pon school, unless it is a special occasion like celebrations... although i guess i may pon lectures, but i will want to be in vj at least... so yah...
guess i typed alot already... shall stop... till after new year i guess...

after new year

2008-01-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

after new year... lol...
had a very subdued new year... lol... went to watch fireworks with a few of my classmate... super squeezy... didnt want to watch the fireworks but had no choice... oh well... and i got to see the ugly side of singaporeans... the place round the marina area was like so dirty la... alot of rubbish... then got some people were like going to do spray painting la... so inconsiderate...
had my first day of relief teaching yesterday... not very horrible... but not that great either... i still wish i had taken the job at vj... sometimes i really do feel abit stupid... like too easy... oh well
had class outing buffet dinner today... eat until i am like super fulfilled la... haha... mr ang went also... talk alot of rubbish with my classmates... lol
haiz... still got so many essays to write... tomorrow i shall chiong home to do them... oh well... i am so so tired now... till next time...

2007-12-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

After christmas...
had a relatively quiet christmas... went out with a few of my classmates and some other vj people to watch movie and shop abit... abit boring... actually quite boring... i am legend was quite ok... but the ending sucks...
got sad on christmas day... never resolved it.. don't care anymore either... haiz...
went for the A*STAR assessment centre yesterday... quite shocked at the number of people there... like only 12... i did like 807 personality questions... and some life history thing... though those are like super weird and random and lame... we were all like you got to be kidding me. but the discussion and problem solving parts were quite interesting. talked about weird questions... but it made me think so i must say it was quite fun. haha
in a dilemma now... apparently both the primary school and vj wants me as a relief teacher... and i must say i prefer vj... cos my brain would be used more... but i also feel bad rejecting the pri sch... how? everyone is saying vj... except one friend... and i really don't know... haiz... how??? i am really stuck in a rut right now i guess... oh well...

haiz...

2007-12-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

haiz... sianz... kept going out. nothing to do also...
feeling a bit sad also... guess i lost a friend already... don't want to... but i guess it is out of my control... and if the other party don't want to do anything about it, i guess i am also sick of doing something about it... i mean why should i be the only one who did anything for this friendship? and i guess if it was so fragile, then i guess maybe it was not worth it. i don't know... i guess just leave it to fate... i mean if only one side treat a friendship as a friendship, then what is the point?
ok. mr magorium was boring and sucky, but national treasure was not bad... just realised that i kept listening to tui hou these few days... just my mood just relate to the song right now... oh well... nvm
i am guessing that the person blocked me... but i am going to try to be indifferent soon... well i must be... i mean since it is already like that... oh well... people change... i guess we just have to hope that the change is not too drastic but i guess it is not for my case... oh well...
shall stop babbling now... till next time...

After A's

2007-12-18T22:57:00.000+08:00

A month since i last blogged.
A's long over. working part time now. till tomorrow. though i really don't feel like working anymore. back and shoulders aching.
went to KL with my class after A's . the trip was fun. in fact the trip seems to be the highlight of my holidays so far. know some of my classmates better now. and i guess the class is also more bonded as a result. just kept shopping at KL. went sunway lagoon but the rides were quite tame. the shopping malls are really damn big la. all those that i went to are bigger than vivocity la. really quite fun time there.
mad frentic shopping after coming back from KL. for SDD... had to buy shoes and accessories and such... thought SDD was quite a letdown... i mean the highlight was seriously like none... and i didnt really have any fond memories of it except that i took a lot of photos and everyone looked quite glamorous. lol... then went to chris house to play wii and xbox... my legs were aching after SDD... all the walkiung around in heels... just realised that i didn't really go/sleep at home much that week... was always staying over at friends' houses... lol...
then went to work last week... very very tired... watched golden compass and alvin and the chipmunks. golden compass was nice... though since it is part of a trilogy, the ending was abit abrupt... but it was due to it having a part two and three i suppose... alvin and the chipmunks was quite unexpectedly nice and funny... fell in love with theodore... the fattest and the cutest... lol... and the singing was damn cute too. haha
this week working agian... though i really don't feel like. just got home from outing with my outside friends... we didn't know what to do after dinner la... lol...
haiz... i also kind of gotten my answer during the holidays... in a sense it was good, at least kind of bringing it to a closure... though it isn't complete... but recently kind of knew/ sensed something more... something that i didn't wnat to know... and... oh well... i guess the truth hurts, especially when you kind of found out unintentionally... haiz... oh well... nvm... but i guess i am just sad about it... nvm...

i m bored

2007-11-14T23:49:00.000+08:00

BORED...
like really bored... my stupid internet keep disconnecting me... and i m hoping that someone will keep to what he says he will... haha
do i seem emo online? i don't know... apparently my friends think so... oh well... i have no idea which is my true self, the happy go lucky me or the one who constantly keep reflecting... maybe it is a mixture of both... argh well... seriously damn bored till i got nothing to blog about... till next time...

just felt like typing something

2007-11-10T23:32:00.000+08:00

just felt like typing something...
i don't know... now i am scared... what if maths A is really 90 plus? then i am so dead...
i want at least 3As, and a C for KI, but it seems so near yet so far... it is scary...
been slacking a lot these past few days... think somehow i am abit too over confident... no... i must not be... i must mug like mad tomorrow... confidence will get me nowhere...
today was such a... i don't know how to describe it... stupid day? i guess so... just feel very crappy... n that life sucks... who knows, maybe it does... or maybe i am just going through a phase today... hope so...
haiz... i just don't know... there are so many things that i am unsure of... and h3 seriously sucks... nothing is like in my head for that... i cant believe it... it is so hard to mug for it... but i don't want to drop... it would seem like a failure if i do... n frankly i hate failing, or losing...
i guess this mentality is not good... because it would mean that i cant really take setbacks... or maybe not... maybe i can cope with setbacks better as a result... i don't know...
feeling so bloated now... cant sleep... but i don't feel like doing anything... except stone... seriously what do we do besides stone, slack, sleep and study anyway... and maybe eating... life seem so meaningless... there seem to be nothing to do, as we only go along chasing material stuff... i mean it is said that we are reliant on our friends... but yet, sometimes, maybe that is not true... oh well... i guess life is what you made of it... and there are many ways to view these mundane stuff... maybe i shall go sleep, or try to anyway... maybe i am just feeling scared... oh well... A's suck =(
i hate life... for now...
i just wish everything about life can be forgotten.

conflicted

2007-10-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

conflicted...
i suppose i am getting what i wanted... though it is not now... and the timing is weird... i mean it is in the middle of A's...
now i am in a dilemma... i mean i wanted it for so long... but yet, should i go or not? i mean i want to go so bad... and yet i am scared... cos what if it turns out bad and i end up screwing up my A's... though i already said okay... but now i really don't know... how... why can't he give me a date after A's...
maybe what i foresee will come true... and we won't see each other after A's... somehow i got this gut feeling that this will happen... oh well... i mean things come and go... and though i don't wish this friendship to come and go, i guess it is out of my hands also... i mean it takes 2 people to make a friendship work... oh well...
i am still wondering... should i just say after A's... but our schedules are basically opposite... we are only going to be both in Singapore for a few days... so how...
haiz... why...
slacked a lot this weekend... must mug like mad tomorrow... now still slacking... guess i am just going to think about some stuff tonight before i sleep... hope to reach a decision tomorrow... guess i may even send a long message again... cos i am really confused and conflicted... i want closure but i am afraid to screw up my A's

haiz...

2007-10-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

ok... all my prelim results are back... didn't do that badly i guess... but nothing spectacular either... i gt an ungraded... lol... for H3 Chemistry... haiz...
i gt DAAAC for my other subs... as usual, D for Bio and C for KI... oh well, i guess i must really buck up on those 2 subjects and maintain my As for the others...
reformatted my computer today... got my msn messenger back up and working...
tomorrow have to go back to school for bio remedial... but i guess i am not going to go for bio but just go for chem... i dunno...
haiz... guess i still can't get what i want... wonder when will i get it... maybe it is just not meant to be... maybe i should just leave it all to fate... after all, what is meant to be will be... and if i am destined to get it, i will...
oh well... maybe this is not the right time... but if this isn't the right time, then when will be the right time? i mean, we are all going to go our separate ways after this, so what other time do we have that is better... oh well...
nvm... just babbling some crap now... i guess i must really learn to not care anymore... and just let go completely... who knows... maybe it may be better off this way...

again...

2007-10-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

just feel like typing something... something that doesn't require any thinking... something that is spontaneous...
maybe i will regret typing this after today... but i guess i no longer care... or maybe just not so much...
i guess i should not live in the past anymore... whether i had let go completely yet... but yet, there is just this feeling that is within me that is just bugging me...
i guess i am sort of a perfectionist... maybe i really just need a closure...
i know it is time to move on... time to put this chapter of my life behind me... maybe this is why i am trying so hard to go overseas to study... maybe it would be easier...
but somehow although i keep thinking i have already gotten over everything, i guess there is still some stuff that i have yet to settle... and i want to settle it now... since i will not see you again after this week...
i don't know why do i want this closure so bad... maybe i just need answers... or maybe i just want a peace of mind... i really don't know...
i don't want to live a life of regrets... a life regretting what i never do... and so i did it... but now i don't know... when i lie in bed nowadays, i will sometimes wonder... should i have done it... maybe i would feel happier living in denial... after all, it is only a few more months...
but i guess deep down i know doing it was the right decision... even though it brought me quite a lot of anguish... haiz... i don't know... i really don't know...
i guess i just want things to return to normal now... but what is normal? i am so unsure... was all that happen early this year all an ilusion? or did it all happen? and what is normal? i really don't know...
i guess i am very confused now still... even though i am trying to sort out my thoughts... but everyday more and more thoughts are racing through my mind... and making it harder and harder...
today saw someone... or maybe i delibrately went to find someone... to pass that someone something... but i am getting no reply... and i am feeling more and more... i don't know... i really don't know what i am feeling... it is not anguish... i don't think it is sadness though i am on the verge of tearing... maybe it is just confusion... i don't know... i really don't know...
haiz... i am just typing randomly... the thoughts that i am thinking... and yet i guess i am not as honest as i am again... but i am scared... scared of the truth... scared of everything... scared of being alone... again...
oh well... maybe i am...
nvm...

closure

2007-10-03T23:43:00.000+08:00

tired... by everything... spend the whole day doing us applications... may have to continue tml since my printer is not working... haiz...
wrote a long letter ytd... still waiting for a reply... guess i m not gonna get one... actually dunno how i feel about it... guess i m still a bit confused and hesistant about some stuff... oh well... i wish i can have a reply though...
guess that also mean that i will not get my closure anytime soon... maybe i should just try and let go on my own... but somehow i feel that it is harder than if i had help... but... oh well... just hoping that it wasnt too personal... but i somehow don't think so... but if so then why no reply...
i know i was honest in the letter... but maybe i didnt put in all that i wana say... my thoughts are racing too fast for me to write them down... haiz... i just wana have a talk... issit that hard... i am really trying... and it is working... at least for my part... i just dont want things to change from how it was in the past... because somehow i can feel it changing... i mean i am not stupid... i do know that it just feels different... and i don't want it to... i just wana be friends... that's all...
oh well... i shall not comment anymore... someone will know exactly what i mean... after all i wrote everything down clearly... just hope i get a reply soon... and that that someone reads the letter...
oh well

post prelim

2007-09-26T23:00:00.000+08:00

apologies... a very nice song...
inconsolable... an even nicer song...
both songs have deep meanings in them... think they are so nice to hear... they seem to strike close to my heart... nvms... shall not say anymore... just that it seems like now i like more and more emotional songs... i wonder why...
today was quite a good day i suppose... i finally beat xw in maths!
but the truth is i didnt feel anything after knowing that i beat him... i mean i just felt happy getting an A... that was it... maybe getting an A is more important i guess... but i dunno... just felt quite empty even after knowing... wonder why... just feel damn sian now... been feeling sian for the past 3 days... no idea why...
went ice skating ytd... i supposed i didnt do tt well but at least i didnt fall as much as xw n uzair... haha... they really fell a lot... quite funny to watch them fall... ok tt was a bit sadistic... but xw actually mastered ice skating... while i didnt =(
kept going out the past few days... actually felt quite at peace when i went home so early today... maybe that was what i am lacking which is why i m so sian... inner peace... trying to seek closure... wonder will i even get it... with my temperament and stuff... oh well... hopefully i can... just want to tie up some loose ends... make myself feel better... after all i hate anything to be incomplete... or imperfect... i guess i really need this closure...
hopefully i wun flop ki again... or bio or h3... i just wana pass bio and hopefully get a C for ki... though i tink it is quite hard... oh wells... shall stop dwelling on these stuff...
really hoping everything will be ok... in more aspects than one... but somehow i don't think so... my gut says not... mayb my gut is wrong, since it had been wrong before... but i really dunno... this time i am really hoping that it is wrong... really really hoping... but... i just dunno...
no mood to do anything now... guess i am still sian... i must work hard... i must... soon... hopefully i will stop feeling sian soon... didnt even wana do maths just now... dun wana do anything... except stone... went online to check my mail only... n just update a bit... since the post last fri was done with like 3 ppl behind me... haiz... just rmb tt i have to dl something before i can watch heroes... but i m not in the mood... jsut dun feel like doing anything... now sometimes just wish i can cry... and let out everything... but i cant... nothing to cry about... haiz... nvm...
till next time... when i get back all my results...

prelims f up:)

2007-09-21T18:55:00.000+08:00

omg... i f up my prelims... so screwed:))
haha... tt is not being typed by me... so screwed for prelims...
think confirm no 3 A s... maximum one... maths... haiz... damn sianz... if i pass my bio it is a miracle... haiz... guessed dunno how many mcq today...
then f up my maths paper, chem paper 3 and phy paper 2... it just seems like i m f-ing up everything... mayb i am... haiz... damn sianz...
i m deproving like mad... when everyone is improving... so sianz... hope to just do ok... pass all and at least Cs for my chem n phy... n hopefully ki though i dun think so... haiz... screwed up...
not gna study for h3 also i guess... but i feel damn sianz now... since f up all le... lol... oh wells... nvm...
haiz... now just hope to do ok... nvm...

almost but...

2007-08-23T22:41:00.000+08:00

almost but...
i cant believe i liked a singaporean song... but the song is nice...
cant believe it... omg...
arghhh... been getting 4 hours of sleep every night... everyday go to school damn grumpy and sleepy...
stupid IS... i HATE IS!!! it is screwing up my study schedule... i dun wan to type IS!!! ARGHHHH!!!
make me so sleepy everyday... cos i can only focus on it at night!!! arghhh
i hate IS!! sometimes really feel like just handing in the old one... that is crap... arghhh... but it is so tempting... if not cos it is A'levels, i probably would heck it... esp if it is prelims.... arghhh... should go do research le... so tired... even though i slept just now... haiz...

argh

2007-08-19T23:20:00.000+08:00

argh!!! in a uber bad mood now...
it seems like i am always in a uber bad mood nowadays... seriously everyone is pissing me off... n i dunno why...
haiz... maybe i am just feeling stressed ba... but i dunno... rrly i get irritated over the smallest thing... n yet i have no reason to... haiz... just uber bad mood now...
i am seriously anyhow scolding anyone now... haiz... nvm... just feeling sucky... this is just not my week or month...

birthday week

2007-08-12T23:33:00.000+08:00

haiz... my birthday week...
and yet i think it is the most crappy week... haiz... nvm...
just did uber badly for h3 test... though i know much of it is my fault... since i never studied much for it... haiz... must really pull up my socks and work...
haiz... had a nice birthday celebration... but that was about it... nvm... shall not say anymore... just that while the celebration was nice, i still think it is one of my worst birthdays overall...
haiz... oh well, at least i am legal to drink, watch M18 movies and go betting... lol... but seriously don't think it will affect me in a major way... except i don't have to sneak into clubs or pubs anymore...
haiz... just not in a good mood nowadays... nvm... shall just go back to rotting... haiz...

in a bad mood

2007-08-09T23:10:00.000+08:00

in a fucking bad mood now...
i don't care who i scold now or who i offend...
i m in such a bad mood now that i stop caring...
who are you to judge me anyway... i don't care about anyone, except me... whatever i do is my own business... i am going to stop caring...
why do i even bother to try for anything... just fail in everything la... and make my parents pay for everything... why do i even care about saving for them... when they don't even care... why do i even bother about anything anyway... i should just do what i want...
seriously, now i feel like i can do anything... and i really mean anything...
seriously... can everyone just shut up! and i mean shut up!!! SHUT UP!!! i just want peace and quiet... i just want to be left alone doing what i want to do now... i don't want to try and be considerate anymore... what is the point anyway... i am just going to be selfish... do only what i want to do... nvm...
btw who do my relatives think they are? some big shit? they are NOTHING! just useless pieces of crap who can't even understand simple english... i help them translate and they still complain about me not trying hard enough and being rude... whatever... i should have just not helped... and let them just try and decipher the english... haha... they deserve it man...
seriously... go eat shit and die...

wall to wall

2007-08-08T00:04:00.000+08:00

wall to wall...
that is the title of the chris brown song... which is uber catchy... i like it...
and i guess this song applies to me also... just in a different way... it is more of me being trapped and getting suffocated...
and i am running out of time... if i can't get out before the time runs out, it is all over...
so now i am just hoping it will not be game over...
haiz... nowadays really don't feel like going to school... no idea what do i go to school for also... it is like so meaningless... i just go there and stone... haiz... or else i pon... haiz... both of which are not good... but i can't seem to help it...
stupid prelims... i can't think of anything else but that... and yet i just can't seem to muster the effort to mug... what is wrong with me... and i still got a stupid IS...
realised i am using a lot of 'stupid'... maybe cause it is how i am feeling now... but i don't know what i am feeling... maybe stressed, anger, confusion... just a lot of inner turmoil...
listening to 'Patience' by Take That now... but patience is something that i am not feeling... haiz... i need to start not being emo soon...
but it is just hard i guess... i am trying though... but it is just complicated... and i don't know how long i can keep it all within me... sometimes i just feel like letting everything, and i mean everything out... maybe it will be better... maybe i won't be so stressed...
i guess the only thing to do now is try to mug and sleep... take my mind off things... seriously, i wish for myself to be devoid of feelings, then i won't have to waste time hurting or healing... nvm...
now i realised my song taste have changed... liking more slow songs now... nvm... maybe i was a sentimental person from the beginning... just that i never knew about it until now... i don't know... just guessing by looking at the favourite songs of mine from the past...
oh wells... nvm...

simpsons aint that good what

2007-08-02T22:52:00.000+08:00

simpsons wasn't that funny what...
or maybe i was just too tired to enjoy...
lol... synthesized aspirin today... though i probably won't dare to eat i made
today was so sian... wanted to go for meeting with TA but mr ang won't let me pon h3... sianz...
so sleepy now... came online to keep myself awake... must mug...
haha... ok... shall go stone...

???

2007-08-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

i guess i am astounded by myself...
since i feel that i have really gotten over it le...
in such a short period of time... maybe there was nothing to get over from the start...
maybe i was just afraid to lose a friend and i misinterpreted what i felt...
but now i guess i am more clear-headed already...
however one problem is resolved doesn't mean that others are...
now still just feeling sucky...
so much on my mind... now at a loss... of what to do... haiz...
guess i am still confused... just in a different manner...
lol... i had wanted to think things through... to see why i was able to get over it so fast...
but i always fall asleep before i could process my thoughts properly...
so i guess my gut really works... i don't know... all i know is i am so over it... but i want to know how... i really want to... i don't want a repeat of it again...
haiz... but i guess thinking is very taxing on both the mind and the body... oh wells... nvm... i am babbling again...
shall stop... still in a pretty grumpy mood i guess... nvm
though i heard that whatever that comes out of our mouths when we are mad is probably the cold hard truth... but sometimes the truth may not be that pleasant... nvm... shall shut up now

self imposed deadline...

2007-07-27T23:00:00.000+08:00

2 more days... before the end of my self-imposed deadline...
i must... and i will...
felt quite sad today... and i can't really explain why... didn't feel much when i saw someone today... so why am i so sad...
i guess maybe i am just afraid to lose this friendship... i think that played a big part in me being so sad ba... cos i really just don't want to lose this friend of mine...
haiz... nvm... i know i will get over it soon... and this ordeal will make me stronger... but i guess now what i need is time... and i don't really have it...
now feeling pissed also... just got scolded by dad... for playing... like i play alot... i am so sure i do... wow... i guess now i am just more confused than ever... with all the emotions inside me... oh well... what can i do... except to give myself time to think... and sort things out myself...
i just want everyone to shut up... really... and keep their peace...
why can't my parents just shut up for once... them nagging is not helping... and the com is not reacting... i can't do my CIP... what am i supposed to do... rot? wow...
just shut up... really... i just want to be alone... haiz...
let me clear up my thoughts... before i try and salvage the friendship... which i don't want to lose...

i will... i must

2007-07-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

i will... i must...
my blog heading had never being so true... i guess i am really all alone... with nothing...
haiz... although it is true that it does not hurt as bad as i expected it to... it still hurts...
and there is nothing i can do about it...
but the harsh reality of it seem to struck me very late...
or maybe for the first half of the day i was refusing to face up to it...
but i must... and i will...
it will be great if i could asap... but i guess time will heal all wounds...
but i don't want it to take so long... i don't want to hurt for so long...
i know i can do it... sooner or later... but i want it to be sooner rather than later...
haiz... why did i even had this from the start... why...
what is ironic is that i have no idea at all... haiz... stoning now...
no mood to mug... very tired and sleepy also... i don't know why... but at least i know i will tml...
haiz... don't want to think about it anymore... just let my hurt consume me for one night...
let me just wallow in my pain today... and indulge in some self-pity...
at least tml is a half day... maybe i shall go and sort out my thoughts... haiz... today is just not a good day i suppose... for many reasons...
just let me hurt...

haiz... sian again...

2007-07-24T22:10:00.000+08:00

i passed my napfa... finally... with a stupid cough somemore...
so why am i still so sian... haiz...
i really don't know... maybe it is cos of what everyone expects of me...
had connect 2 today... and meeting with TA... though i guess there is not much difference between those two...
mr ang seem to expect me to get at least 2 As for prelims...
in fact so do everyone else... but all i want to do is slack...
don't know why... really just got no mood to do anything...
feeling mechanical right now... like a robot...
haiz... why... i hate this feeling... so hate it...
but what can i do about it... it seems like i cant do anything about it...
but yet i must... i must...
ok i shall stop this rot now... and start mugging soon...

haiz... sianz

2007-07-21T23:10:00.000+08:00

haiz... sianz...
that is all i have to say...
really just damn sian...
alot of things not done...
alot of things not going my way...
haiz... why are things like that...
maybe i just shouldnt think...
maybe it will be better... for everything...
i dunno... that is what someone told me...
maybe i really overthink too much sometimes...
but maybe not...
nvm... haiz... now just feeling sianz...

again...

2007-07-20T23:29:00.000+08:00

again...
haiz... didnt really get any answers on wed... had a fun day i guess... but that was it... i wasn't in the mood to ask and i guess someone wasn't in the mood to answer also...
on the surface it seemed that nothing had changed... but yet i guess things have... there seemed to be an unspoken barrier now... an insurmountable one... and yet sometimes it doesn't seem that obvious...
haiz... i really dunno... guess what i want is answers... but i am not getting any... or at least insufficient...
someone asked me lots of times what is it that i want... seriously, i think i only want answers... maybe this is due to my insecurities... or something... i dunno...
btw, can you at least ask me before you do something? haiz... true... i don't mind... but it is good to know... especially if it concerns me... maybe this is why i start to object... because i feel like i am non existent... or maybe i just want to feel respected...
btw, sometimes i really feel like letting someone know about this, and making that someone read this... maybe then i will finally have some answers...
but yet... sometimes i am just so scared... of what will happen if that someone read this blog... haiz... it took me so long to say something... i think it will take me a long long time to make you read this... oh well, nvm...

insecurities

2007-07-20T23:05:00.000+08:00

insecurities... why do people feel insecure...
there are many reasons why people feel insecure i suppose... since there are many reasons why i feel insecure...
oh well... i guess there is nothing i can do if i feel insecure...
haiz... now just dunno what i am feeling... a mixture of anger, sadness and relief probably...
now just damn angry with my dad now... i wanted to use vulgarities but he is still my dad after all... he just doesn't trust me at all... whenever i use the com, he is hovering around me, trying to see what i am doing... so what if i have no curfew... i would just appreciate some freedom sometimes... nowadays, i can't even use the stupid com for long... and i got my IS... i just get scolded everytime i use it for more than one hour... so how am i supposed to do my research? am i just supposed to fail? what am i to do?
haiz... sometimes i am just so pissed until i want to cry... but i mustn't... i promised myself i won't cry anymore... but how am i supposed to do my research when i keep getting disconnected? one hour is barely enough without all the stupid disconnections but with them it is worse... maybe i should give up... just give up... for everything...
giving up now seriously sounds like a good thing... haiz... i guess i really don't know...
seem to be pissing alot of people off nowadays... but now i sometimes just really don't care... what have i done? i don't even know... and no one wants to tell me anything... fine... whatever...
why should i bother so much nowadays... haiz... nvm... i just hate life now... and everyone... why can't things be mroe simple... nvm... just very confused...
guess what... i seriously aren't going to care much about anyone but me now... it is going to be me, me and me... haiz...
especially today... i waited out of good intentions and you just got pissed... fine... whatever... guess what, i don't care anymore...

haiz...

2007-07-17T22:40:00.000+08:00

my mind is in a whirl now...
i am damn confused by many things, and by the replies taht i am receiving...
don't know what i am feeling now... just damn confused...
do i or do i not? somehow i don't think so... and yet why do i feel so disappointed and even sad whenever there is a lack of response?
haiz... really don't know what i am feeling now... i thought i had gotten over it but right now i am not sure again...
i really hope that i have... but i really don't know...
hopefully tml will provide me with some answers that i sorely need... or at least make me understand myself better...
i guess maybe although my head tells me that i should have gotten over him and that i must, i guess maybe in my heart i still hope... maybe there might be a chance...
i know that is very irrational of me... but i really don't know...
i want to forget everything, that all these ever happen... but a part of me still can't seem to let go, despite what i have told myself...
haiz... why am i so confused now? i don't want to... now is the time for me to concentrate on studies... not these... haiz...
oh well, did ok for ct2 i think... actually i think it is one of my best... but somehow i don't feel like i deserve it... gt AABCE... but i don't know... it seemed like those that i worked harder for, i did worse... haiz... i really don't know...
don't know anything now... haiz...
let's hope tml will provide me with some answers...

haiz...

2007-07-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

i guess i am really confused now...
dunno what to do... or what not to do...
today did virtually nothing at all...
i want to do something... but i cant seem to...
haiz... must really learn to be not so tensed...
think i am going mad somehow...
but i hope not... maybe it is the med...
playing tricks on my mind... making me think everything is not ok...
or maybe i really havent gotten over it...
but i don't think so...
but if that is really so, then i will try harder to get over it...
because i don't want to be affected like that...
but somehow i think i did get over it le...
which is good... but also damn sian... haiz...
nvm... just randoming now... nothing to do anw...
or i don't want to anw... haiz... sianz... nvm...

ambiguous

2007-07-13T23:45:00.000+08:00

ambiguous...
that is what i am feeling now...
i don't know why am i feeling like that...
but i know i don't like this feeling...
i wonder if it is because of what i said yesterday... and what i got as a reply...
but somehow i don't think it is due to that...
the truth is i also don't know what i am feeling now...
except that it is making me feel depressed...
and i really wonder why...
i doubt i will feel any better if your answer was positive...
in fact it may make me more confused...
so why am i feeling so weird...
is it because i am sick?
but somehow i think i felt this before i got sick...
can anyone tell me why?
i don't want to feel this way...
it is affecting me negatively...
i can't sleep... i want to...
peace now seems so nice... together with darkness...
i don't want anyone to bother me... but yet i want everyone to show that they care...
what is wrong with me now?
am i going crazy?
i really hope not... haiz...
shall go and make an attempt to get something done...
better than just stoning...
better than what i am doing now...
why is this happening to me now...
really hope this would not last...
really hope this is just a phrase that will pass soon...

i did it...

2007-07-12T22:58:00.000+08:00

i did it...
i said what i wanted to say for a long time...
and i am still not sure whether i did the right thing...
i dunno how i feel right now... probably a sense of relief... and also a tinge of sadness...
however, i guess it is expected... i guess i expected it as well...
maybe i havent really got over it... though it is very minimal now...
but i definitely do know that it is impossible... maybe i have known for a long time... but sometimes i just refused to admit it...
haiz... i dunno what i expected when i say it... maybe more of a reaction? or something... i really dunno... i guess it was the lack of a reaction that disappointed me more than anything...
i hope nothing will change... but somehow i think that there will be a slight change... oh well... guess it is expected...
actually seriously don't feel as sad as i thought i would be... maybe it is really so minimal now... but it is just weird... and i just feel sian... though i have no idea issit due to that... just hoping it is not...
oh well... anyway i guess it doesn't make much of a difference whether i say it or not... only make you more certain... since you also said you can sense it somehow... just that you are not very sure of it... oh well...
-do i really have a ice box where my heart used to be now?
if not, how can i explain the lack of emotions now...

i am blogging again

2007-07-11T23:25:00.000+08:00

two post in 10 minutes...
i really don't know what is wrong...
thought today would be an ok day... really thought it would be... since i saw a rainbow today... it looked so nice... so nice...
i guess it was an ok day... but i expected more i guess... but i admit, i am shocked by how someone looked just now... never seen that person so disheveled... or vulnerable before... oh well...
i really just want to say what i want to say... even though i promise not to... i really just want to explain so much... and clarify so many things... today was really weird out at the end by your friend... and so i guess things arent what it seems... whether i will feel positively affected or negatively affected i don't know... but somehow i think it will be negative... and yet sometimes the feeling that i get from you is different... weird... especially what you told me just now... or msg... haiz...

i guess i didnt do it...

2007-07-11T23:05:00.000+08:00

haiz... i guess i didnt do it... i wanted to... really wanted to... but the person didnt want to hear... though i guess that person is not in the mood also... i admit, i was shocked... abit... oh well... didnt really expect that... though maybe i can tell... haiz... oh well... and now the person is dao-ing me... or maybe i am just too impertinent... but i am hoping that what i asked is not true... haiz... nvm... if you answer, you will probably understand why tml... if not, i really don't know...
btw i wrote the letter like you said... alot of times... i just don't know whether to give anot... i want to see your reaction... and i cant see it if i gave you a letter... haiz... dilemma... though i shall really see... but i really just want to do it face to face...
oh well... nvm... shall not talk about it anymore... someone will understand all that i said... but i guess that someone don't even know that this blog existed... which is good... hopefully you will never find this blog till at least after i told you what i wanted to say... haiz... nvm... never say never though...
got back nearly all my results already for ct2... didnt do as badly as i expected... maybe it is better than my ct1 in some sense but it is also worse in some ways i guess... gt a B for physics, A for maths, A for chem before mod, hence i don't want the mod and E for bio... in some sense i improved... but i guess i also deproved... haiz... oh well... nvm...
these few days just feeling ambiguous now... just hope someone will understand... if i manage to clarify some stuff tml... oh well... hope i guess...

haiz...

2007-07-10T23:12:00.000+08:00

been doing a lot of thinking again... dunno whether to shock anot... dunno what to do... dunno whether the person can take it... dunno what will happen...
seems like there is a lot of dunno... but i really dunno what am i going to do... haiz... just been thinking a lot... about life... studies... everything i guess... nothing is going right... or maybe nothing has been going right... just that i dunno about it... haiz... just damn sian by everything now... though i am probably not going to show it... just going to be 'me'... haiz... shall just try and take my own advice and relax and chill... though it is hard to see how to...
haiz... people are all getting their wishes but i know i am not going to get what i want... no matter how hard i try... haiz... nvm... think no one will understand this post much... which is good... because i dun wan anyone to understand... just let myself be confused ba... i shall really try and think things out... but i am afraid i cant... i am afraid i will regret what i will do or not do next... but yet i feel like just doing, getting it off my chest, knowing the truth... though i have an inkling of what is going to happen... i am just going to be disappointed... again... but at least if i do it, one of my doubts will be cleared... totally... and i guess in the long run it will be better for me... though i am quite sure if i do it, in the short term, i am going to sianz ba... haiz... nvm... shall not say anymore... shall really start thinking about it tonight... if i cant sleep, which i dun think i can... haiz... shall do a night of thinking ba... haiz... why...

haiz...

2007-07-03T23:25:00.000+08:00

haiz... guess what i think is really going to come true... flop for mid years... haiz...
now everyday rotting... nothing to do... or actually there are a lot of things to do... just that i don't want to do... just feel like rotting but after a while i just get sian of it... guess everything is sian to me now... haiz...
confirm flop for cts le... i am very sure of it... haiz... maybe that is why i am very sian... haiz... stupid day la... everyday is a stupid day... just hope that i pass all and get at least a B for chem, maths and phy... though i suppose that is not very realistic also... haiz... guess i will not be satisfied until i get at least one A... but from what it seems that is quite impossible... haiz... wake up call i guess... i really must start mugging...
think i won't be able to do anything today though... just feel damn freaking sian... haiz... got maths tutorial and i am not doing... shocking i guess... oh well, just hope that this won't last... no... it cant last... i am going to mug hard tml i guess... just want to wallow in self pity for one more day...

arghhh

2007-07-01T23:34:00.000+08:00

after class chalet... and movie...
don't is it due to the lack of sleep or maybe i am just getting irritated by someone... my patience is running out...
i guess i am not known to have a lot of patience... since i get irritated and hurry people easily... haiz... won't wait unless i got no choice... which is why i hate it when i am late, and more so when people are uber late and expect you to wait for them... whatever...
transformers was quite a nice movie... as long as you don't think... which i didn't... considering that i was so tired when i watched it... the effects was nice... and i like bumblebee... especially part where he crawled... if only he was human, i bet i will feel quite sad...
today ugly betty was quite nice... i mean seriously... can you imagine a mother who ostracized her own child just because he is gay... i am sure i would never want my mum to ostracized me... after all, it is the family that shape you... and although you can choose your own friends, you can never change your family... and who you are born as... haiz...
oh well... nvm...

stupid mids

2007-06-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

haiz... flop... confirm flop...
now i just want my maths to get A... i don't know... at first it seems so confirmed... until i realised that my maths careless like mad... stupid... i just want my maths to get A... then actually chem i was quite confident of A after paper 2... then after the killer mcq it was like what the hell... haiz... think i will be happy if i can get ABCDE... though i think that is quite hard also... though chem maybe got chance A if i pass my mcq... but that is a very big if... actually everything also got hope... lol... but the hope is like 0.000000001... stupid... arghhh... i don't want to deprove... it is so depressing...
haiz... enough said... don't feel like blogging much also... just want to remember how i screwed myself up by not mugging hard enough... esp after talking to some people...

one in a million!

2007-06-23T23:18:00.000+08:00

OMG! one in a million is on the radio now as i am typing this sentence... so nice. :p
one of the only things that is happening today... oh i managed to jump 165m for sbj today... just random decide to jump and i guess i managed to jump some of my sian-ness away... oh well... just hope i can be consistent and jump that...
one more day to CTs... which i am sure i will fail at least one sub... bio... nothing in my head for that now... die... hope i wun fail ki too... oh well. hope... hope i can get at least one A. 2 will be good... but from what i can tell, i think it is very hard... if not near impossible... my head feel empty... so empty... i think i am so screwed for physics... and bio... haiz... oh well... i think my bio is dead... sorry mr chua and mrs teo... for letting u guys down... i think josh will own me... sad... oh well... nvm...
1 day to CTs, shall make use of tml as fully as i can... shall mug phy and bio very hard tml... hope it can make up for everything abit... though i doubt so... haiz... i really dun wana fail anything... really dun wan... nvm... just damn scared of mon and tues... think they will be the worst days... oh well... why must phy, bio and ki be tgt? they are my worst subs... oh well... just hope i dun let myself down too much... dun think i can face another failure

i am done being nice

2007-06-20T16:08:00.000+08:00

i am done being nice already...
ok just ignore this... i am just venting my frustrations... really... haiz...
broken promises... again... seriously, how many times do you want to break your promises? why do i always believe you when you say you promise when i should know that you will just break your promises... when did you ever keep to your promises... whatever ok... now just don't expect me to keep to my promises to you... or expect any more favours from me... you can just go and eat shit and die... because i am done being nice to you... i don't even expect much favours from you... just that you keep to your promises... or at least even one of them will do... but you freaking never... so guess what... like i told you... i am done being nice... anyway it doesn't matter since school is going to end soon also... like what i said about you breaking your promises... what can i do anyway... and why do i bother to care anymore... i guess i am just bloody irritated... and that i am just gna do what i like from now on... haiz... so i guess it is all me from now on... and i guess if you need any favours, then it is too freaking bad... i mean, since you don't care about the promises that you made and fulfilling them, don't expect me to fulfil my word or whatsoever... i am just going to return the favour and treat you the way you are treating me and if you don't like it it is too bloody bad... cos i don't give a fucking damn anymore...
oh well... like i said before...
sorry sometimes just aint enough...
and i am not going to heed your advice and be not so hasty about passing down my judgment about you... i think i know what kind of person you are already... what you have done in the past is enough to show me that and i guess my judgment about you is set already...
and learning to be like you...
sorry about it if i am not going to do you any more favours...
and you know how sincere my apology is... it is as sincere as yours... oh well... too bad i guess...

haiz...

2007-06-19T23:26:00.000+08:00

damn sian now... actually i am always sian... but now everytime think about the stupid IS then i will feel more sian... it is always a blank document even after i stared at it for one hour... haiz... now it is still a blank document... nvm... just not in the mood to do anything now... rather just play com or watch tv... haiz... sad...
nvm...
oh well... i am just gna blog about how much i hate my IS... so it is better not to blog... if not i say some stuff that i don't want to and regret it also... when i am stressed anything is possible... haiz...
a promise broken again...

melancholy choleric

2007-06-15T23:14:00.001+08:00

melancholy choleric...
apparently i am a melancholy choleric... haiz... whatever... i don't really care... but apparently according to my friends, it is very obvious... oh well... maybe that is why i am so impatient or even hasty in passing down judgment... haiz... nvm... shall not comment anymore... don't feel like saying anything also...
yesterday was such a screwed up day... slept by the stupid pool... think i got high or random... since there were some parts that were a bit fuzzy in my mind... oh well... long island tea is seriously damn strong... and i was drinking it at the end... trying to help my friend from getting drunk... haiz... why must i always help? in the end i ended up getting high i guess...
slept quite alot after i got home today... didnt sleep much yesterday... haiz... never mug at all for 2 days... nvm... i am just wasting my time anyway... like whenever i help someone or something... look what it got me... nothing... just end up being worse off... i guess that means you don't reap what you sow... so why am i bothering so much now... nvm...
shall not try and bother about anything anymore... since no one cares... getting high may actually be a good thing... since my friend got drunk and she managed to let it all out... unlike me... where it is still all bottling up i guess...
sorry really just isn't enough sometimes...
haiz... nvm... it is just not easy...

haiz...

2007-06-13T23:31:00.000+08:00

haiz... tdy was such a weird day... cant even say whether it was good or bad or neither... cant decide oso...
oh well... realised i still got so much undone... nearly half of maths, all of bio n one STUPID IS... been reading up... at least i feel ok about myself... but realised that i got a lot of internet sources for the beginning part of my IS... which is not good... s it is not so reliable... but i really cant find books on it... i tink i knw alot more about internalism and externalism now tho... n so far the websites all seem to report the same things...
so full now... feeling damn bloated now... supposed to run 3 times a week but nvr... haiz... nvm... feeling down the last few days... nw feeling abit better i suppose... dunno... haiz... some things r just weird... i shall not say anything more... but i dun really understand... nvm... shall c if the psn wana clarify but i guess not... haiz... nvm... think i feeling weird agn... shall not blog le... so long...
-sometimes sorry just aint enough...
someone knows wat i mean... n i tink it was this phrase that sparked alot of things... nvm... just confused... n i tink it caused the understanding between two person to decrease... cos we realised how much we dunno... nvm...
-things are not as superficial as it seems

this is just not a good day or week or anything

2007-06-12T23:04:00.000+08:00

haiz... this is just not a good day or week or anything i guess...
gt dao like free by everyone... dun even knw y... haiz... somemore i rrly need some stuff back... haiz... nvm... btw i guess jl gt it right... i think i m in too deep le... haiz... y... i oso dunno... unlike me i guess... but i guess nth that i do is like wat i tot i would do anymore... oh well... nvm... feeling random, pissed, sian nw... haiz... guess wat? i just realised i m tired of being nice... y shld i when no one is to me... haiz... so screwed for maths ct2 now... thanks to some idiot who refuses to return me my notes... i m nvr gna b nice anymore le... no more favours to anyone... nw i m just gna treat everyone the way they treat me... i dun care anymore le... rrly...
tdy was a ok day i guess... keep falling aslp but i guess better than many of my other days which was crap... at least i felt ok after everything... tho i admit i was quite tired... n i took up a challenge n manage to conquer it... i won yongsheng in table tennis. wow he was scary... think he would actually win me if he wasnt so stressed abt winning... oh well... guess that at least made me felt good... tho that was one of the only things that was gg rite for me i guess... dunno... nvm... mayb he even let me win but i oso dun rrly care nw... at least i felt happy then... nw i just feel neutral? today was not such a waste of my time as i tot it would... guess tt y i tot it was ok... made me rrly think about considering EDB scholarship... it sounds good n the bond serving seem quite interesting... tho i doubt i would be able to even get shortlisted... let alone attain the scholarship... oh well... nvm... tdy just not in the mood to do anything i guess... everything just suck... then fell down just now... rrly nthg gg my way... think i m falling sick again somemore... tho i think it is mostly due to my lack of slp... but it is nt tt i dun wana slp... slp is a liberation to me... it is just that i cant slp... everytime i lie down, i just start thinking... about everything... haiz... nvm... rrly hope clubbing will be the medicine to all of it... just keeping my fingers cross tt everything will turn out find... cos i rrly dun like how i m feeling... oh well... i m just babbling nw... anw nt much ppl or even none will read this blog... so it is good... anw i dun tink anyone but jl will understand nearly everything... n mayb some of my sec sch frens... tho i doubt they will understand more than half... oh well... keeping it bottling up seems like the best solution... nvm... I MUST TRY AND FORGET EVERYTHING SOON! or at least learn to let go... oh well... ocean's 13 was ok i guess... watched with some clsmates... tho their analysis made me think more than i wanted to... thinking agn... haiz... till nxt time i guess...
-just wana have this ice box where my heart used to be...
and i am not kidding...

...

2007-06-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

haiz... nt rrly in any mood to blog anymore...
just blogging to update the blog... no mood to do anything much oso...
desperately need to do my IS soon... but just cant get into the mood... rather just stone... or rot... but i guess mugging would b a better use of time... stressed about IS... think i m rrly screwed... gt some materials but some parts are seriously lacking while some parts i tink i gt too much... nvm...
just really dun feel lyk doing anything now... even updating this blog feels lyk an obligation nw... haiz... just so sian nw... anw nth to blog about oso... nvm... there are some things that should be kept private anw... shall not blog nw... just concentrate on mugging ba... or stoning... whichever tt is better... hopefully aft thurs my fren bday party i will feel better... tho i doubt so... nvm... let those who knw help me ba...

should i go to school tml?

2007-05-24T22:46:00.000+08:00

should i go to school tml?
rrly dun feel like... but i wana get my ki from ixer... who knows when he will be in sch again... haiz... just hope that my fever subside... 38.4... haiz... feel like crap now... rrly dun feel like gg... anw if i go i will take cab there and probably back... rrly feeling horrible... should go and take my medicine soon... but i dun feel like... gt cough oso... feeling awful... haiz... but i dun wana fail ki agn... n i tink ixer will haf included some additional stuff on my essay which should be really really useful... i mean he is ixer wat... rrly undecided... shall c how i feel tml i guess... oh well. so long... went online to check sthg anw... nt supposed to blog... probably gna slp soon... haiz...

haiz...

2007-05-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

i guess this week is not going to be good either...
had a bad start to this week ytd... made someone angry with me... though that person say now no more, but... nvm... i sense that that may not be true... anw, thanks to this person for sacrificing your day even though you are so sian... sorry to make you do it... really feel remorseful... n lucky i didnt force u to watch the later one... or i will really really be very sorry... i shall try to be less stubborn next time... or maybe u should just be not so nice... haiz... nvm...
guess today wasnt a good day too... my parents are angry with me and me with them... maybe that is why i went online... wanted to vent my frustration... hopefully someone will feel better also... dont be so sad and sianz k? pls... i guess maybe some of it is my fault... nvm... hope that tml will be a better day for everyone...
argh well... nothing is going well for me i guess... partly my fault also... had a good talk with my good fren just now... cleared up my mind abit... but after that, there is also not much difference... i only just let it go for a while... though i must still thank that fren of mine for the help... it is just like last year i suppose, but with the role reversed... or maybe not... depending on how you view the situation i guess... just hope that i will be able to resolve this the best way i could... just hope to forget everything... nothing is going well at all... in anything...
oh well... hopefully i doubt anyone will understand the whole post fully... i think one will understand the front and a few will understand the back... nvm... as long as the relevant parts are not understood by anyone whom i dont want to, i dont really care... just realised that nowadays i am also not caring much... guess it is much better to be emotionless... why cant i have no emotions? haiz... nvm... hopefully my next post will be happier... i hope

oh well...

2007-05-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

it is just an illusion that i have in my heart...
i hope that this illusion will go away soon. then everything will go back to normal... i want everything to go back to normal...
ok this is probably not making any sense... but i need to get back to normal soon... haiz... oh well. i just need time i guess... but i sense a change in myself... just hope that after this i will become more mature. then at least something good will come out of this... at least no one seems to realise that anything is wrong... i guess i am so used to hiding things that it is innate... and it is hard to detect anything... which is really good...
haiz... better sign off now... shall go watch show... though cant really feel anything also... jsut sit and stone... want to just go sleep and die... haiz... till next time i guess...

ok... i should rrly learn to forget

2007-05-10T22:49:00.000+08:00

haiz... should really learn to forget and let go...
wonder how many times i have been saying this already... but i am still not heeding my own words... haiz... how i wish my heart is really numb and has no feeling... ok i think only jl will understand what i am talking about... which is good...
really should stop thinking already... when i stop thinking, i feel better... haiz... i guess old habits die hard... how i wish none of this ever happen... but i guess it is impossible to change the past... so i just have to change the future... or at least shape it to the way i want... since nothing is impossible... all i need is time...
got a teacher advisor... means i probably have to work harder to stand out... but now all i can do is just stone and sleep. i know this is killing my own future but cant help it... jsut hope that i can nip this problem in the bud... hopefully will study during teh june holidays... since now i am feeling low...
haiz... this is really not making any sense... but i suppose not making sense to others is better than if it does... i just want all these anguish to go away... and hope i stop screwing myself up... just realised my SATs are coming up... if i dont do anything i am just going to waste my own money. oh well... hope...
i wonder if anyone can guess... i hope not... surprisingly i confided in jl... wonder why... maybe because he is not connected to anyone i know intimately... so there is no risk of anything leaking out... or maybe because he just happen to be the one who would reply the fastest... whatever it is, i am just thankful i can talk about it to someone...
oh well... this is such a depressing week... hope i will feel better after this week... though i seriously doubt so... just hope that everything will tide over and i will return to normal soon... now sometimes too lazy to put on the facade also... haiz...
better go mug soon... my IS is so undone... oh well... i shall stop screwing myself soon... just keep this thought in mind and i bet i will feel better soon... life is too short to screw urself... oh well...

haiz

2007-05-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

tink i rrly gt sthg wrong with me... one moment i m high and the nxt moment i m low... tho it seems that i m more often low nw... just nw was watching a show that was lyk totally describing how i feel... i mean they were asked to guess whether the number was higher or lower... n tt lyk me i guess... always guessing whether i will feel high or low later... i guess this is life... n life does not always go the way that u wan it to... so i guess i will just hafta learn to accept it. how i wish my heart is really numb and has no feeling... then mayb i wun feel so high or so low so often... haiz... i guess i m really growing up... so hafta deal with different stuff nowadays... oh well. just feeling random i guess... n totally... i dunno... need to study for chem test... but somehow just cant make myself do it... just hope to crack the books enough to pass... i mean that's all i hope for now... oh well.. this is uber random i guess... n i dun tink anyone will understand it... i mean even i cant rrly understand myself... so yah... watever... how i wish i m numb... oh well. life is all about setbacks... so i just hafta learn to take it... so long

wat a week

2007-05-06T22:45:00.000+08:00

haiz... was so high just nw, but became so low now... haiz... think i expended all my energy just nw... so sianz... feeling so low... oh well, must thank jess's uncle for that nice dinner... oh well... so sianz... n sad... oh well... nvm...
this week was such a bz n tiring week... with a competition and two handovers... so slpy... watched spiderman 3 this week... seriously think it is over-rated... haiz... so sian nw... nvm... must seriously learn to let go n forget everything... haiz... till nxt time

wat a weird day

2007-04-24T12:59:00.000+08:00

haiz... i wonder whether ytd was a good or bad day... had dirrahoea but went to watch wild hogs which was seriously funny! so i guess this is an average day? though some of the jokes in wild hogs were a bit slapstick... it was nice tho... i didn't really appreciate not getting any food down tho... that was really bad... since it meant that i have an empty stomach... oh well, guess falling sick is part and parcel of life... just realised i am damn ahead of tutorials... did finish planes and kinetics and even lasers! like OMG!! i guess i should start mugging for ki but i think doing tutorials is much more fun. lol... weird definition of fun... need to start mugging soon... only working hard during weekends... always go home and sleep during weekdays... i guess this must change! now it is bio remedial... but mr chua didnt come... i feel like leaving school and going home to sleep but i shall be a good girl and stop poning lects ( except maybe phy ) oh well... but i go bio lect and sleep anw... which is quite sad i suppose... must pull up my socks... dun wana fail overall again... so long then i guess...

what a boring week

2007-04-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

this week is quite boring... although we got a half day thanks to our cross country team, the half day happened on the wrong day... it was on a thurs la, where it is a relatively short day... summore i missed my favourite teacher's lesson. ;p. just realised that i m lagging in tutorials agn, as i haf been going hm and slping this past week... so tired... nw feel slpy oso... haiz... so bored. jammed today. this week really did nthg interesting... oh well, this is just to keep this blog alive. b4 i forget my password n all the other stuff... so yah... til i gt sthg more interesting to blog abt...

haiz

2007-04-14T22:36:00.000+08:00

haiz... just got back my pw results ytd... didnt do very well i guess.. got a B. only 5 ppl in my cls gt a B... tho i supposed that i m better off than someone, as only 2 ppl in his cls gt a B n he was one of them... anw 3 ppl in my grp gt a B so i guess my grp aint that gd... oh well at least i didnt get C...
ytd was also musicfest... quite fun... at least i saw a eye candy.;p tho tt stupid cca refused to help me take a pic of him, cos his was a 3 megapixel handphone camera... haiz... sad... the winners were also very expected... oh n cca rrly shocked me by videoing the indian dance, imagine that!! lyk seriously omg... reached hm late ytd... think it was the latest concert to end... haiz... was knocked out when i reached hm... sad...
tdy was a wasted day... did nth at all except read storybook and stone and watch tv... must mug soon... i guess i shall start tml since i m watching tv n using com nw... haiz... i rrly must mug... must at least get 5As... haiz... this sux seriously... oh well, think will b able to mug more nxt wk... since this wk nearly everyday was consumed by pa n bridge... haiz... I MUST MUG!!! till nxt time...

just randoming...

2007-04-12T22:49:00.000+08:00

oh well, just trying to keep my blog alive i guess... nthg much to blog about, except that i watched the number 23 and the reaping alrdy... i tink shall stop this movie spree soon. must mug hard... btw p, hope u get well soon... haiz... tml is musicfest... released at 1215... however may b getting pw results oso... haiz... hope it isnt too bad... haiz... this few days have been a drag i guess... just slp n everyday oso stay back... at least man u won 7-1. i was so happy and exuberant... but only for a while. tho i guess that is better than nthg... oh well, rrly feeling sian nw... so long

why has it come to this...

2007-03-31T23:15:00.000+08:00

i guess this week is a bad week... but i guess to me most of the weeks are either normal or bad... so i guess this is normal? ironic i guess... but this is not the end... so cheer up i guess... oh well... well to watch the hitcher on thurs... there was a scene that shown a guy being torn into half... quite cool i guess, though mayb a bit gory oso... oh well...
ytd was sports day, which was a drag... spend most of my time stoning... tho i dun tink i looked lyk it... guess that is good, since it meant that i m finally mastering the art of looking nonchalant... i guess i can hide what i truly feel now... lol... oh well... btw did i mention that my hair was orange ytd? lol... i guess i looked cool... i hope...
tdy went to mug with my sec 4 clsmates... tho i guess i was stoning more than mugging... oh well... just nt in the mood... nvm... shall not say anything... must rrly catch up on my work soon... dun wana be faced with this situation agn... haiz... guess this is just not a good week... pon alot of lects too... n summore gt very few tutorials this wk... haiz... oh well... nvm...

haiz... today is just not a good day...

2007-03-26T22:25:00.000+08:00

haiz... not supposed to be blogging now... but i guess i just cant help it... today is just not a good day i guess... haiz... btw sorry p about just now... didnt mean to shock you just now but i guess i just cant control myself... haiz... know u didnt expect it but i guess neither did i... guess i controlled too much... meant to at most do it in private but i dunno what happened... thanks for watching the movie with me just now too... i guess it rrly helped me to take my mind off things... which is good i guess... just hoped tml will bring me some good news... tml i guess i will know what will happen to me...
oh well... to happier things i guess... today watched pathfinder... nt that bad a movie... just realised watched 4 movies in the past week... rrly should stop slacking nw... guess that is what tt led me to this now so i guess i oso deserve it... i shall work hard from now on n pull up my socks... phy spa was ok i guess... just hope tt tml chem spa will b ok... oh well... i guess i should stop blogging now... shall hope for the best abt what i m gna hear in response to my qns tml... mayb i wun even go ask... then can be happy for one more day... since i m now imagining the worst now... haiz... till tml i guess...

an overview of my wk

2007-03-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

ok, time to be succinct and concise n not be confused anymore... s tml n the day aft tt is spa...
this week was such a slack week... with me watching 3 movies... i m like so broke now. summore went to celebrate ellen's birthday ytd... i guess out of the 3 movies, i like stomp the yard best... shld rrly watch it, since it is loud but there is a story and the dance or shld i say stepping moves are damn cool!!! if only all unis are liddat... oh well, i just hope i get to watch something liddat live at least once...
gt back most of my common test results oso... cant say i m too unhappy over it since i did not do badly... somemore the only subject that i failed had everyone failing... whee... i just hope that i m able to keep my h3 despite this failure...
oh well, time to go study for spa... this is supposed to b a short post anw... lol. blogging to feel less bored...

randoming

2007-03-25T15:20:00.000+08:00

i guess i m more clear headed now... so i m blogging again... actually i realised that blogging sometimes help me clear my head a bit... haiz... just realised that life is getting more and more stressful, with the A'levels just round the corner... just realised that our life is full of examinations... we had just left one behind and another is coming... oh well, life is full of tests... what we do is always under scrutiny... we just have to get used to it... i m still in a dilemma about my next step even though i think that for now my mind is made up... because the next test may be too late for me to change my mind, and i may end up regretting this decision... this decision is now consuming me... making me doubt myself and causing me some anguish as i do not want to live to regret it... but yet i hate to give up on anything, even if i didnt work that hard for it... as no matter what, i did put in effort for it... y does it seem that i never get a lucky break for it? i mean i never seem to be lucky in anything... the world seem so quiet now... or mayb it is just me... the sense of tranquility and peacefulness that i m feeling nw... mayb it is just because my house is empty... but my house is usually empty, save for me... but today is exceptionally peaceful... mayb it is because i m trying to be not bogged down by anything... or mayb it is because i m trying not to think of anything... just realised that my decision is against the flow of what the majority wants for me... save for a few people... but life is like that i supposed... we must make tough choices... realised that my thoughts are difficult to phrase, as nothing seems to be able to describe it. the inner battle that i m facing in not only one aspect, which i must admit is contributing to my inner turmoil of feelings... just wondering if i am still able to keep up the facade that has been present for very long, that outer image that no one seem to know is not me... but nw i m oso wondering whether this facade has slowly became part of me... cos no one seem to know the real me... though i must admit that it may not b a bad thing, as it would mean i would not dwell on things so much... i guess it is not gd to keep things bottled up inside me... but i do seriously wonder the consequences about letting it out. it may mean destroying a lot of what i had worked for... anw there is no one there for me to tell it to... sometimes i rrly wonder if i m all alone in this world... that all i m working for is myself... but the world is a selfish place, so i guess even if that is the case, i m nt entirely wrong in thinking that... how i wish that everything will be resolved on its own, but it that is so then i guess what is the meaning of life... so i guess the only option is not to dwell on the past n look to the future. i mean that is the only way to attain inner peace and be fulfilled... i should really learn to b contented with what i have and not be affected by external influences... but how i wish i could get what i want... tho it is impossible... but since it is not a necessity, i guess i could survive without it... just hope that this would not tear me apart... though it would still take a lot to do that... seriously, all i hope is for things to work out so that i can feel tranquil again... well til next time...

i made my decision i guess...

2007-03-23T22:28:00.000+08:00

finally, the first week of school is over... although i guess i shld feel relieved after getting back majority of my common test results, considering that i didnt do that bad... but instead i feel confused, and in a dilemma... i mean, shld i actually give up on something that i had been working on for the past year, and focus on other stuff? or shld i strive on in the hopes that everything will turn out the way that i hope it will... i mean most of the people that i know are encouraging me to let go... but that is something that i m actually reluctant to do... there is this sense of anguish that is burning inside me... putting me in a predictament... i m feeling confused abt what to do... whether should i do the right thing or should i actually just follow my heart... i actually thought my decision was already made... but something happened that swayed me, making me indecisive again... but upon tinking, if i do the 'right thing', i will at most be above average in a very competitive society... n i dun tink that that is enough... as although i m above average now, i m still insignificant n nondescript... actually feeling quite useless nw, as i cant decide on something so simple... but i tink my decision is made for now... n i m hoping that i wun live to regret it... just hoping that the decision not to let go, n one that is made when i m in a state of turmoil n helplessness, will not return to haunt me...because i have made many decisions that i have lived to regret... ok... i think this post is very confusing, n i guess i m still feeling confused... so i m actually just rambling on and on without any considerations of what i m typing. hopefully the next time when i blog i will feel clearer, n be more aware of wat i want n feel... because now i dun think that even i understandmyself, let alone anyone else... oh well, i guess i shall go try n figure out my thoughts now... so long

lucky? or wat?

2007-03-20T23:17:00.000+08:00

i guess i m seriously either very lucky or very tyco... cos i actually managed to escape CTs so far with ok results... n my bio was freaking unexpected... S instead of U... tml getting back ki n chem i hope... n i hope my chem do better than phy... if nt i will b speechless... i tink nw everyone tinks i m a joker... n mayb i m... i guess i will haf to work harder for bio, if mrs teo dun kick me out of bio H1 first... if i m nt wrong i bottomed the cls... sianz...
btw went to watch music n lyrics tdy... second movie in 2 days... aft stomp the yard ytd... guess it wasnt too bad... but i prefer stomp the yard as there was dancing n the movie theatre was nt so freaking cold... i was freezing for music n lyrics for lyk an hr plus and even my fren couldnt take it... which was very unusual... i was lyk shivering 10 min aft i left the movie theatre la... nvr watching at suntec eng wah agn...
oh well... i guess it is time to work hard soon... aft so ok n dismal CTs results... i know everyone will so i guess i must pull up my socks... sianz... still stuck at some maclurin qns... too tired to ans it tdy... shall try agn tml... if i get stuck agn i will rrly feel sian... cos nw everything is getting harder n harder to pick up... i guess i will nt slack s much n pon so much lect except mayb for ki but oh well... i guess i must work hard... haiz... oh well i shall c my results if i get them tml...

the day after pa camp

2007-03-15T22:06:00.000+08:00

wow... pa camp had finally ended... wat a hectic 2 days of very last minute planning and not enough sleep... even though it was quite a slack camp. i just realised that i walked alot during the camp... oh well it will provide me with much needed exercise... ytd was STJ. keep forgetting that i m not a jnr anymore... it was also the first time i actually washed seafood... talk about gross. nvr expected myself to do tt but i guess neither did my seafood washing partner... oh well i guess someone had to do it n we were just unlucky... though according to our jnr, we were washing it a bit too thorough, shld have just rinsed them all n one go n let that be it... washing it so thoroughly caused us to start getting food when everyone was alrdy gg for their second helpings... ate a lot of chicken, tho the 2nd batch was WAY too salty (note to self: take the nice chicken allat one go n not wait for nxt batch) there was also the balls frenzy, where we just took as much fishballs, meatballs n dunno wateva balls there were there n piled it onto our plates. that scared the jnrs rrly alot, cos there were alot, esp for 2 psn... n we actually ate up most of it. i also became the most hated psn n the one that jnrs wanted to kill during pa camp... tho nt all of it was my fault... ok i did came up with all those torturing game, n i did lie to 2 of the jnrs abt the key thing but it wasnt my fault... i mean the games are a must right? n the key thing there was someone else involved... i shall nt mention who bt if nt for me, we would haf been exposed... n tt psn oso didnt stop me frm lying... he just kept quiet... n he was glad tt we were nt exposed too... tho the fact tt we were hiding shld b very obvious... tho one gd thing was it caused us to not be exposed... wheeeee... i m so smart. ok that was self indulgent... n it was also nt rrly tt person fault since he became the 2nd most likely to b killed person after me... tho i tink he shld be the most wanted psn n nt me... lol. but one gd thing that came out of the pa camp was that we managed to connect more with the jnrs n the jnrs also managed to interact with each other more n oso knw more abt their crew... i oso nvr knew that eric was so random... imagine... superman can become spiderman n then batman. or was it spiderman then superman? gt randomed a lot ytd, n would haf been alot more if nt for the washing of seafood which allowed me nt to sit nxt to him... lol. no randoming!! tink that the stj was quite fun... the pa camp oso caused me to change my opinion of some ppl in the crew... i shall nt mention who... n made my opinion better... seriously i was quite shocked that i interacted quite alot with him amongst the jnrs... btw, did i mentioned that i finally found the song that i was looking for? i cant believe i forgt to ask him aft hearing it so many times in his ipod shuffle... oh well, at least i managed to c it in his phone while browsing for songs. thanks CCA! rrly... nw listening to the song s i m typing... tink alrdy heard it at least 50 times in 3 days!! woohooo.... it is my fave song of all times!!! ONE IN A MILLION!!
oh well, enuf abt pa camp. i seriously cannot believed that i was so tired n slpt so much tdy... i only slpt 2 hrs plus during the whole camp... this caused me to miss yq asking me to go watch stomp the yard. seriously, who i m gna watch it with nw that she had watched? everyone who wana watch have cts coming up n does that dun dun wana watch it... argh well... mayb i shall go watch alone... so sad rite? haiz... sch is reopening soon n there will be the cts results to worry abt... i nid some relaxation before i become hectic agn n no more fun time!!! just realised i still gt undone tutorials n atuff!!! arghhhhhhh... this is irritating... oh well, i shall stop nw... this is a uber long post... wheee!!! ONE IN A MILLION!!

finally

2007-03-12T23:12:00.000+08:00

after quite a long time i suppose, but i m blogging agn. this is after my stupid cts, which i knw i screw up badly... i mean maths i m only quite confident of a C and i m oso not tt certain abt it... n the only grade that i m certain of is a U for bio... i tink i screwed up big time but i guess nth could b done alrdy... only can hope for the best and hope tt i m not forced to drop my h3. since i rrly dun wan to even though a lack of h2 bio mean that i cant take pharmacy at uni level... so h3 chem is actually useless. argh well. ki suck too so i m seriously dead... oh well to other stuff... tml is the pa camp, which is gna take up 2 days of my hols... at least this meant that my hols will b quite occupied... n cant believe tdy was lyk mayb the first time in 6 mths that i m stepping into toapayoh library and arcade... my past hangouts... tho i tink the nxt time i step into them will b ard another 6 mths ltr... oh well i guess this is not a gd yr for me... the first test of the yr n i screwed up big time... tho it is all my fault... i shld haf nt slack but i just dun feel lyk mugging... oh well, everything is my fault so i dun tink i can blame anyone but myself... just hoping to qualify for h3 with a minimal bcdd but i dun tink i can get that... i mean if i tink optimistically, i will get abcee and that is very optimistic n it will still warrant a conditional and i dun tink there will b anymore of that... haiz... i hate cts... oh well. now i m oso quite confused about everything... dunno la... it just seem that i dunno anything at all... oh well i guess i m usually ignorant about stuff... just hope that nxt term i wun b so confused... n if i can keep my h3, i will really work harder nxt time... to make sure i get at least a AABC... i m seriously hoping that i wun screw up anything else aft cts, cos i hate the feeling of failure... oh well... i guess i shld rrly try n slp early but i just cant... so i guess i shall go n rot n slack till i m tired... till nxt time...